Tag Archives: substance abuse treatment. God

Staying Sober Today

Complacency

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I would like to revisit the topic of Complacency. For 14 + years of sobriety I followed a morning prayer and meditation to the tee. My prayer would always be for happiness, health, safety and security for family members and friends. My morning prayer would be done in a very quiet place. I would address all immediate family members in-depth with solitary prayers for each. I would also say general prayer for those family members whom I regularly do not have  contact with  on a frequent basis.  I find myself falling into  the realm of complacency, Instead of taking the time to sit in a quiet place for prayer I often do it while on the go. I have found myself shortening prayer for my convenience. Some might argue that some form of prayer is better than none but I feel it requires more attention than I am giving it. After all, for myself, that only amounts to about thirty minutes every morning. I want to get back to this and perhaps this revelation of my complacency will help me return to  my previous  contact with God and prayers for all in my life. I do feel a conscience contact with God throughout the day regarding prayer and direction so that, I believe , is good.

In addition, for the past 14+ years I had been reading meditation and reflection books every morning. This only consists of prayer and meditation for the day. A whopping three pages to read. Well, yesterday after an absence in reading I picked up my books, or shell of books with crumpled and withering  pages and duct tape holding the binding in place, and did some reading. To my  dismay I found that the last time I read was  back in May. That was quite a few months to lapse in my daily meditative reading. I can only explain this as a form of complacency regarding the topics of this discussion. I am not happy that I had a lapse in judgment but am glad that God reminded me of its importance as a daily part  of my life with regards to staying sober.

I am happy that I have gotten back on track and had t divine intervention making it possible to do so.  Had it not been realized then I could have treading on a dangerous path toward losing the protection of sobriety.  By the  grace of God I have recovered my commitment to daily prayer and meditation.

It works for me and so I must tread forward.

Complacency also came in the form of my willingness to help other suffering alcoholics and those in early recovery. It was not but several months ago this summer that I contacted several drug and alcohol treatment centers in my area, I was asking for an invitation, on a voluntary basis, to share my story with their patients. Of the emails that I sent out I got a positive response from one such treatment facility. It turns out that my email was received  and read by some of the directors of the program. I initially had offered to come by once a month. Upon a meeting with  them I was asked if I was available to share my story on a weekly basis. I agreed to do so and I was informed that I would be contacted by Human Services to cover some paperwork regarding confidentiality and such. I never was contacted and I did not follow-up. I believe to be in the state I was in this Summer with regards to being complacent. I am saddened by my choice to not follow-up on such a great opportunity. I strongly feel, after gone through the full cycle of addiction and recovery,that my story may be able to create hope for some individuals in early recovery.  The bottom line is that fear and complacency consumed me and for that I am disappointed in myself. Perhaps this realization too will help me to pass along ” a message” of hope. I pray daily for the courage to do so.

I am going to make a pledge to try to help others. I may have an opportunity to share my story in the coming weeks and I hope I have the courage to do so. Other than my book, I have never presented to a live audience. If Ican be so confident to say  that it is a shame. I have heard speakers in the past and they made a difference in my recovery, no matter how small, I pray that this opportunity comes again and that I may speak from the heart.

I hope my revelation of complacency shows, that no matter what your program is or length of sobriety, how easy it is to fall into a detrimental rut if you will. Thank your for reading and please feel free to comment on this topics or any others on this website. May God continue to intervene, so that I recognize  complacency, and   stay on track toward a positive recovery program., May God bless you as he has me.

God

On The Fence

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Some time ago before I got and stayed sober, I was sitting in on a session at rehab discussing the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous. The gentleman, who I grew fondly of and respect very much, was discussing the “Sunlight of the Spirit” and how important it was to be a part of that realm, if you will. The conversation, in summary, was that if an active alcoholic wants to stop drinking he must allow God in his life. Now I suppose one could argue that a person could drink and still have God in their life. There are probably arguments for both sides. At the time I was on the “other side of the fence, away from having God in my life

The purpose of this reflection, more importantly, is to show in some detail, my state of mind before sobriety. I recall raising my hand to be allowed to comment on the subject of “Sunlight of the Spirit”. This action was not like me at all. I usually hid in the back of the room in silence, with no opinion one way or the other, as I had lived my entire life. Something that day had me in the middle of the room, with over approximately 100 other patients in attendance.

I now believe it to be divine intervention. When called upon by the counselor, who incidentally volunteered at the rehab and was a world acclaimed speaker on the topic of Alcoholism, I indicated I was “on the fence” in terms of drinking and wanting to stop drinking. I mentioned that I believed in God but that I was not sure he was the path to me getting and staying sober. After making my comment, the counselor, in a very direct and matter of factly tone, indicated that it would be best to get on the side of the Spirit, less die an alcoholic death. I did not immediately accept this direction, but the seed was plated for the second time in my life.

You see I had been at a previous rehab some two years prior where a volunteer speaker stated, “I had better find god or else,” referring to acquiring sobriety. I recall thinking to myself , who does this person think they are making such a statement. The gentleman, 80 plus years old and a recovered alcoholic, sporting dark died black hair, kindly asked at the end of the discussion to for us to comment on the topic. I recall commenting, “stop preaching”, on the comment card. The following week this gentleman was the guest speaker again. He started the meeting by saying that in over 40 years of speaking he had never received such a comment. I remembered he apologized for his comments about inflicting the belief that God was the most important avenue towards acquiring sobriety. I could tell he was deeply hurt that someone would think that of him. I ducked my head, and with a cocky smile, as a fellow rehabber stared back at me. You see, most everyone there, over 50 patients, knew I had made the comment as I had spent the week spreading my opinion stating, “who does this man think he his imposing God on me”. Well today, I still regret that comment and the effect it had on him. He was just trying to help, and I made a fool of myself. He may no longer be around, but I wish I could apologize to him. I know it was God who is responsible for me getting sober and staying sober. I do believe God had me in those meetings with both the gentlemen speakers so that the seed was planted to believe and trust him, referring to believing in God.

So, I guess the main point I am making is that there are many persons who have gone before me in sobriety who know that God is responsible for the miracle of getting one sober. I believe he just does it when you are ready. For me that meant heavy drinking and destruction for two more years. I am eternally grateful to have God in my life today and would like to express the highest amount of gratitude toward those men who impacted my life, even though t I did not know it or would accept it at that time I was an active alcoholic.

I hope that the statement “You had better find God or else” plants the seed that only with God can you get and stay sober. This is my strong conviction today and I am eternally grateful that God put those men in my life, even though I had no respect for them at the time. Thank you, God. May you be blessed with the gift of sobriety as well.

Staying Sober Today

My Alcoholic Years: Part 5 of 5

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The Sober years for me can only be a blessing from God. After 23 years of suffering and attempting to get sober, God saw it fit to grant me a new lease on life. I do not feel like I deserve it but I do give thanks everyday for it.

There  have been many great things happen in my life that sobriety has given to me. I could create a very long list but I will summarize and point out some wonderful highlights.

The first being accepting and grateful of God in my life. Conscience contact on a throughout the day allows me to make a promise that I will make the effort and do the work required to stay sober for the day and 24 hours ahead. Secondly, has been my opportunity to make genuine amends to family members. For the most part my amends were accepted and some were not. I can only pray that those persons I hurt can be healed in the future. My children have said things are good between us but I wonder if my absences in their lives growing up has really been healed. I can only pray and do right by them now and ahead.

Many more great things have happened. My grandchildren have been born and by the grace of God have never had to seen me take a drink.  I am married to a wonderful woman. I am no longer suffering and had the tattoo, bearing thses  letters, S U F F E R  I N G, that were inked on my forearm, covered up.  In addition I was able to change my way of thinking and the people and places I hung around. Just t name a few.

I do feel obligated to mention some hardships that have occurred during sobriety. There was difficulty trying to pick up the pieces and move forward in early sobriety; i.e. loss of employment, home and money to name a few. Insignificant in many ways but still were an important means of daily survival.  There have been loss of close family members and those  lost to the powerful grip of addiction.

Many more good things and bad have occurred but I understand that is part of life. One day I to will be gone of this earth but for now I am trying very hard to be a good person. I pray that I can leave that legacy. I also pray that this website and first book written can have an impact on the lives of those suffering as well as those in recovery and who have recovered from the disease of alcoholism.

With regards to my past alcoholic past, ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” and I am eternally grateful for that. I pray that you no longer have to live that way either. May God bless you on your journey of sobriety.

This completes the 5 part  series on “My Alcoholic Years” and I hope it has given some insight on my struggles and how ones life can truly be changed by God as well as lot of good people along the way.

Please feel free to comment on this post or any that I have written on. With your participation we may be able to save lives. Who knows there may be people out there we have helped and don’t even know it. Lets pray that it may be true. God bless you.

Staying Sober Today

My Alcoholic Years: Part 4 of 5

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In this series I would like to share what finally happened as a result of 23 years of destructive drinking. Simply put, I was beat. It seemed like alcohol had won the battle and I was doomed for a slow death.

I recall laying in a hospital bed of a mental institution I was admitted to after a suicide attempt . I had been there before so I was all to familiar with my surroundings. Earlier in the day my counselor informed me that I had exhausted my options in terms of treatment there and at previous rehab facilities I had been admitted to. They had informed him that I was not welcome back because of my lack of following the program and of my distracting behavior there with counselors and patients alike. So with all that said I lay on that bed counting ceiling tiles all afternoon wondering what was to become of me. Scared to death, is all I could describe my feelings as.

The next day a blessing would come my way. The counselor found a rehab in a small North Texas town. Apparently he convinced my insurance company to cover yet another stay at rehab. Upon hearing the news I was relieved of my fear. I did not know it at the time but Devine Intervention was picking me up from despair. By this blessing I began to surrender to the fact that perhaps I could go to this facility and stop drinking. to be honest I was looking for a quick fix. I would soon learn the commitment and work it would take to  begin the road of sobriety.

I attended the program from the start. I had previously allowed the facility to pick me up and transport me to the rehab facility. Previous stays would find me taking my own vehicle in case I had to bail, so to speak , to find my next drink.

Well as fate would have it I fell into the program and followed all instructions. I began to learn more about myself and felt there was a glimmer of hope for recovery from alcoholism. It was there that I met a wonderful counselor who would change my life and way of thinking. I am forever in debt for her participation in my recovery. I truly believe she was a gift from heaven. At the same time another patient there had befriended me and we went to the program together. We shared the ups and downs of our stay there. I could not of done it without his friendship. We stay in touched and have both  been recovered from alcoholism for some years now.

Upon my release after some 35 days I was fortunate to attend an outpatient treatment for the next six weeks. All was not great though as I was surrounded by temptation to drink as I was now exposed to it at what seemed at every turn, I wanted sobriety so bad but was weary. I recall stating to a counselor there that if I could not stay sober this would be my last attempt. I stated I would accept a slow death rather that participate in more recovery attempts. It was other alcoholics there who encouraged me to think otherwise as so it worked. It was Devine Intervention all along.

That is what happened in terms of my beginning years of sobriety. I would participate in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for several years and a good foundation for recovery was put in place.

By the grace of God I was able to get sober and so far after 15 years stay sober. It has taken a lot of work and conscience contact throughout the day with God. It began with the acceptance that God would get me through the good and bad times and then grew into daily communication with him. God, family and a lot of good people along the way have been my saviors. I am eternally grateful.

In the next and final part of the series I will discuss the beauty of sobriety as well as some of my struggles.

Thank you for reading and please feel free to comment on this topic and others. It may help save the life of one of our struggling brothers out there still bound by the chains of addiction. May God bless you and those still suffering.

My Alcoholic Chronicle: Part 1

My Alcoholic Years: Part 3 of 5

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The heavy drinking years were chronicled by personal destruction, debauchery and suicidal obsession. From the ages of 24 to 37  I would progress from daily drinking to the “jumping off place” That is described as the place where one cannot imagine life with alcohol any longer and can’t  imagine life without alcohol as well. A terrible predicament to be in. Something I do not wish upon anyone.

By the time I had finished college at the age of 24 I knew I was in trouble. My drinking was out of control. I was feeling the effects of hangovers on my body and I began to have blackouts. Both of these took a toll on my mental state as well. At this time I checked into a rehab center knowing I had stop drinking. I did not stay there and so the  heavy drinking years began. The years would be spent drinking to oblivion every day and night. If I was not  jumping from job to job I was hanging out in strip clubs and avoiding all family responsibilities. I began to fall into the depths of depression and paranoia.

I once tallied over 25 times in some form of treatment for alcoholism. I was admitted 7 impatient rehab centers for alcoholism and 5 outpatient rehabs in attempts to stop drinking. My stays there would be followed by immediate drinking again upon completing or not completing my stays. I found myself in hospital emergency rooms, detox centers, jail and mental institutions. I was not  crazy but my actions were.

The final years were characterized as suicidal times. If I was not attempting suicide I was dreaming  about it to the point of obsession. I wanted to die and live at the same time. I still believed in God but was very angry with him for what my existence had become. I begged to be allowed to die and would wake every moment with anger in my heart for not being so. This is how I lived for the last years of heavy drinking.

During the whole time I was drinking all the way back to the beginning of the heavy years I can remember often dreaming of how my life would be without alcohol. I recall imagining what it would be like to say “no thank you” to the offer of a drink.

In any case my life was what it was, I survived somehow and for that I am grateful. I will continue soon with how my life changed an alcohol became a thing of my past. God Bless those who have recovered and   I am praying that those still suffering from alcohol-may they find a way out soon from such a horrible state.

Please feel free to comment on this post and contribute in the event that suffering alcoholics looking for a way out or families of alcoholics might read these posts to gain insight and what steps can be taken towards recovery. Thank You.

 

You Can Do It

You Can Do It

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Many resolutions have been made in this New Year. Some going strong and others falling short. That’s ok.  because a new resolution can be started every new day. Say to yourself, I want to stop drinking  today. It can be done and you deserve it. If you are a suffering alcoholic who desperately wants to stop drinking I would like to share my struggles and the avenues to recovery that have helped me get sober and stay that way over the past 14 years.

I drank for 23 years and the all of that time I made bad choice after bad choice. I had wanted to get sober back in 1991 but did not. I knew my life was out of control by age 24 and I needed help. I checked into a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center but I  discharged myself the following day. That would be a pattern I  would follow in the years to come. Little did I know how the effects of drinking would negatively affect my life over the next 13 years.  It was the years of 2001-2003 that desperation settled in as I neared death from the affects of alcoholism.

I would like to briefly share my path that  got me sober and has helped me stay that way. It was always a dream as far back I can remember as an active alcoholic to stop drinking. As I posted before I longed for the day when I could say ” No thanks” or ” I don’t drink” with regards to being offered a drink.

From 2001 to 2003 I checked myself into 7 impatient rehabs and 5 outpatient rehabs. As I mentioned my pattern was to stay a short while and then to bail only to find myself buried in the bottle again.  These were rough times but it paid off when I stayed the full term at my final impatient rehab in 2003. There I made an honest effort to get and stay sober. I would meet a wonderful counselor who would change my life. What a blessing. My wish for you is that you never stop seeking assistance from rehab center until an impact be made upon you.

After rehab I attended Alcoholics Anonymous. as suggested, often attending two meetings a day . All I can say is try a meeting:  listen to others in the same boat as us. It helped me relate to others were sharing. I had to attend different meetings until I found one in which I could relate to the fellow alcoholics and get a positive message of hope from attending. All I can say is try it as it worked for me.

During this time I also sought medical attention for mental illness from a psychiatrist and found medication that assisted me . If you feel it may help you than go for it. Please do anything you have to do.  I also saw a physcotherapist who I could discuss what was going on in my life as well as sharing how was doing and feeling on a weekly basis.  You see I was desperate to stay sober. I knew going back to drinking would mean a certain death.

Some say that seeking Clergy for assistance in staying sober was helpful. I did not initially do that but later in sobriety I would attend church which gave me positive reinforcement and continued hope that everything was going to be ok.

Without the support of my family I may not have made it. They took me in, , during early recovery when I had nowhere to go and many of my family members would accept my amends when it was time for me to do so. Not all, but some. I had to  slowly try to gain their trust through my actions. I found that it worked for me and since have developed strong relationships with the family that I once abandoned during my active drinking years. Just another blessing.

Reading meditation books on a daily basis gave me a message of strength and hope that I could stay sober. I have read these books until the cover has worm off. and the pages have worn and crimpled It may work for you as well.

Lastly, and most important for me, was my renewed faith in God and daily prayer. You see,  for years I hated God for the allowing me to live the way I was living. It wasn’t until I got sober that  I realized God never abandoned me and I pray every day that I can be forgiven for my past actions in life. Daily prayer at beginning of my day as well as throughout has been of utmost importance for me. I t allows me to seek advice from God in order to use good judgement.  Most of my prayers get answered. Sometimes I like the answers to my prayers and sometimes they may go unanswered but rest assured I know it is what God determines what is best for me. and sometimes It gives me a feeling of a connection with God that I hope anyone can experience. I think this can be so for anyone.

Through these avenues I was able to get and stay sober to date. My wish in briefly sharing what I did to get sober may assist you. It is never to late to start your day over and make a resolution to seek a new way of life. The struggle for me was the most difficult of my life but I am grateful that God, Family and a lot of good people who never gave up on me.  Many good events have occurred in my life of sobriety as well as many bad events. As I have posted in prior blogs is that my way of thinking has changed and as a result I have not had to take a drink over the events in the last 14 years. My wish is that we never have to drink again and fall into the pit of despair. if you will

Thank your for reading this today and I hope it may offer an ounce of hope. I know you can get sober and find a life of peace. You are worth it and deserve it. Please fell free to share your struggles, life changing events and feelings or opinions of what I have shared in this blog today. It may make a difference in the life of a suffering alcoholic. I pray that it does. God Bless You!

 

 

 

Joy and Sorrow

Joy and Sorrow

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Last night was an evening of joy and sorrow for me. I was at a popular restaurant having dinner with my wife when I saw a man joining a group of people at the table next to ours.  He looked familiar but I could not place his face at first.  As we waited for our food to arrive we could over hear them  making introductions among themselves. When I heard his name I had an overwhelming feeling excitement and sadness.  I looked over to my wife and told her who he was and let her know that when we finished dinner I would go over and say hello and introduce her to him.

We had attended college together some 29 years before and had not seen each other since. We had spoke briefly over the phone back in 2006.

You see I had met his brother at a substance abuse rehab in 2003. I didn’t recognize his brother as he spoke in one of our group sessions but afterward I asked if he had a brother with the same last name. He confirmed that he did and our friendship began. Have you known someone for just a short time and felt like you have known them all of your life?This was him and I cherished our time together there sharing our lives and stories of things we would do together later in life after rehab.  As we parted ways after our stay at rehab I would see my friend two more times.  One was at a celebration of sobriety among some we had attended rehab with and another time when I received a call of desperation from him because he had relapsed into active drug addiction again. I visited him and we spoke for hours but I was very new to sobriety and didn’t know quite how to help him other than letting him know how I was staying clean after a few months of sobriety. Anyway, I left that day not knowing what would happen. A few weeks later he called in desperation stating that he was returning to rehab but was afraid because he could not be admitted for several days. He indicated he had been drinking heavily and was afraid. I told him to stay put and drink if he had to in order to avoid dangerous withdrawals. I do not know if he was using drugs at this time. I was afraid for him as well. After that call I had lost contact with him except for our last call . He had relapsed again and was having a party to celebrate a particular event. He asked if I was still sober and I replied “yes” He said he was proud of me and indicated he would invite me to the party but understood I could not come because their would be too much temptation for me. I can’t remember exactly how long after it was but I could not reach him over the phone after numerous attempts. After some research I finally found a phone number for his brother, who was then man in the restaurant last night, and called him. I greeted him with a hello, after some 17 years later, and asked how is brother was doing, further explaining how I hadn’t had any luck reaching him for a while. His brother gave me news that I could not believe. My friend had succumbed to addiction and had died a few months back. My heart just sunk and my stomach turned sick. We spoke of what a good guy he was. I offered my condolences to him and his family and the call was over. I think of my  him often and miss him very much. I miss my friend dearly. R.I.P.

Back to last night at the restaurant. As we paid our check, I told my wife I was going over to say hello and introduce her as well. I approached him, sporting my tattooed sleeves and legs, hair down to my middle back, and my gray beard down to my chest. Many things change over time.  As I approached him at his table and announced his name he looked up, not recognizing  me of course, and I told him my name. He appeared to be stunned for a moment. He rose up, shook my hand and gave me a suprising,   yet welcomed hug. I introduced my wife and we spoke briefly of each other and of his brother. I told him I didn’t want to take up his dinner time and he then hugged me again as we said our good bye’s. His last words were ” I hope we see each other again one day”.  I left with great joy of seeing him again and was wonderfully surprised with our reunion.

As we drove home the thought of his brother entered my mind. I became somber and didn’t hardly say a word to my wife on the trip home. The joy of the evening had left me. I said a prayer for the family and retired for the night.

The reason I felt compelled to share this with you is because I guess I feel a certain sense of closure, regarding my friend’s death, by meeting his family face to face. I had indicated last night to his brother that I thought of him often and missed him very much.

I feel this story is also one that shows the power that addiction had over ones life and how tragically fatal it can be. This is the only person I personally knew who lost their battle. I do know that there are many struggling addicts out there wanting help. I say that no matter how little sobriety we have, as was with my case, that we attempt to assist those suffering as if their life and our life depended on it. I know I wish I would have done more for my friend.

My wish and prayers are that those who have recovered or are in recovery help those suffering, I also wish for the hearts to heal from those family members and friends that have lost loved ones to the disease of alcoholism and addiction.  May God Bless us and those suffering.

 

Be Willing

Be Willing

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In my previous post “Passing Judgement,” I spoke of a person who is suffering from alcoholism, and unfortunately is spiraling downhill.  A very vigorous effort was made to assist this person in choosing to get into a rehab facility.

Unfortunately this person was not ready for treatment. This just goes to reaffirm that not every alcoholic can be helped until then,  no matter how hard an effort is made by those wanting help them.

Now in my previous post I spoke of my realization, with my wife’s necessary intervention, that I should go to any lengths an always be willing to try to help any suffering alcoholic wanting sobriety.

Well in this case, for the time being, the disease is ahead. In the future , when this person has hit their rock bottom and is truly honest about wanting to get clean, I will be willing to assist and hopefully the tables will change.

However it does not make it any easier to feel like I failed at helping this person. I have learned that not every alcoholic can be helped but  perhaps I planted a seed in their mind. That is what happened in my recovery process. As bad as I wanted sobriety the disease was sabotaging all my efforts to get and stay sober. When I finally hit my rock bottom I was ready and I recalled all of the times people planted seeds in my mind, with regards to getting and staying clean.

I have also learned that trying to help an alcoholic, whether successful or not, there lies an undeniable truth that the process helped me stay sober another day. It also reminded me to playback in my mind how poorly I made decisions when I was at my farthest progression of the disease. I have learned  that by playing back the experiences you had as an alcoholic during your final days should be a strong deterrent against wanting to live that way again. These days, after 13 years of sobriety, I rarely think about the good old days of drinking but if they crop up in my mind I am quick, with prayer, to play back the bad times in my life and tell myself, “I don’t have to live that way anymore”

So only time will tell if this person chooses recovery. My wish is that it happens and that I am there then,  and  available for countless others if they seek my help in finding a path  to a life of sobriety.

Thanks for reading and feel free to make any comments. Feel free to join our group by clicking the link on the homepage . You will only receive an email when a new post or comment is made.

May God bless all those suffering and those in recovery.