Tag Archives: recovery

Daily Resolutions

December 31, 2017 hvymtl38 Leave a comment

It’s the last day of the calendar year 2017 and many things have impacted my life. Some events not so good and others for the better. This past year has had visits with distant family and unfortunate deaths of close family members and friends. As I have often reiterated in previous posts, I did not have to take a drink over the good or the bad times. It’s by the Grace of God and for that I am grateful.

As I reflect over the past year, and of my sober years previous, I have indeed seen growth in myself. I have been able to improve my conscience contact with God throughout the day with increased prayer. What a wonderful feeling to be able to reach out at anytime, no matter what is going on, and take just a minute to express thanks or ask for guidance over any particular issue at the time. This is a very strong force in my life now. Now as a newly sober person some 15 years ago I was not even close to having this relationship with God. It took time and dedication in prayer, I believe, to get where I am at mentally and spiritually these days. I know if it worked for me and it can also happen for any alcoholic whether suffering, in early recovery or having been recovered from alcoholism.

Now there have been many instances over the past year that I needed improvement over. My personal relationships with family and friends could have been better and have occurred more often. I know that I have neglected some people and have distanced myself from others. This indeed is a character defect as they say. The acknowledgement of this however is positive. As a recovered alcoholic I should be “giving” in more of my actions than just seeing what is in it for me. I am going to work on being more emotionally available for some and give my utmost self to family and friends. I want to know that in some small way I am making a difference in someone’s life. I will make these resolutions on a daily basis in the coming year. I have heard it said and I think it is important to mention that for this alcoholic every day can be a new year’s day. You see I always have the opportunity to better myself the next day. Amends may have to be made and good living can be improved. So, for myself, I will not make a new year’s resolution based on the calendar year but rather make a new resolution every new day of the year. I live one day at a time so it would not make sense for me to over extend my abilities to be a good person by proclaiming unrealistic expectations for myself. My hope is that all alcoholics can live one day at a time and find their opportunities to be a better person. By the Grace of God I am willing and will try to do so for myself and people around me. It never hurts to be a good person to stranger or those that cross our paths from time to time as well. That will be my resolution for today.

I pray for those are suffering this holiday season. My wish is that they may find God and meet a lot of good people who may assist them in getting and staying sober. I am proof as well as all the other once suffering alcoholics who have now found a new way of living and thinking. What a blessing. For those suffering now it will take the hardest work of your life, but you can do it. You are worth it. May God place sobriety into your life to.

Thank you for reading this post. Please feel to join in with your comments or life experience. I believe it t could help save someones life. God bless you!

Staying Sober Today

Power of the Disease of Alcoholism

November 1, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

October 31, 2017, ironically Halloween Day, marked another year of sobriety for me. The monster inside me is still gratefully held prisoner by the Grace of God and my desire to remain sober. I don’t share this a celebratory event but rather a reminder that sobriety is fragile and that any moment, without God, family and good friends it can fall prey to the monster just waiting to be released. My personal opinion, and that which I have heard said, is that if I relapsed into drinking again I would surely revert to the end stages of alcoholism I left behind. For myself, that meant I would be right back to where I left off drinking and to the horrible existence of a dying alcoholic. In addition to the mental obsession associated with drinking and the physical deterioration of my physical body would come my suicidal obsession. I vividly recall in detail the events of past attempts to kill myself. You see, I believe that I didn’t really want to die but I just could not see an end to the self-torture I was putting my mind through. A place I do not wish anybody to be in. As it is referred to as the” jumping off place” as written in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This state is where a suffering alcoholic cannot imagine living life with alcohol any longer as well as not being to live with it anymore . Continuing on would lead to death, whether quickly or slowly, as has been proven by the many who did not survive the horrible disease of alcoholism. That’s right, for those not aware . Alcoholism is a Disease as proclaimed by the American Medical Association over 60 years ago. As it is described as a Disease of the Mind, Body and Spirit. For me that meant living with the 24/7 mental obsession of obtaining, planning and drinking alcohol to a state of drunkenness and blackouts every single day. It meant poisoning my body and suffering grave physical consequences, and most importantly shutting off God from my life. During my drinking days that meant not being able to stand an ounce of my being and a deep hatred for God for allowing me to live that way. Those days, even though I believed in God, my only wish was that God would allow me to die, every single day. I profanely cursed God every time I awoke each day for not allowing me to be dead. You see, I blamed everyone and everything for my alcoholic existence. Today, after 14 years of sobriety, I have been blessed with another chance at life. The obsession to drink has been removed. My physical body has healed and I am no longer angry with God. Gratefully, my belief in God and continual communication through prayer, is the most important part of my life theses days. Without my regained faith I believe I would surely would be dead. Once again, I share my thoughts with you today, not to celebrate but rather to show how fragile sobriety is. We must protect it at all cost, less we return toward certain death.

Lastly, I would like to share a dream that I had during my active alcoholism. You see I had wanted to become sober dating back to 1991. That is when my life had completely unraveled and my downward spiral of turmoil in my life increased. For the next 13 years of active drinking I always had a dream. That was to get sober and change my way of living. I longed for the day when I could, when offered a drink, say that ” I don’t drink anymore” or more simply “No thank you”. Gratefully, by the Grace of God, my dream has come true. I become more increasingly grateful for my sobriety and remarkable changes in my life, however I will never forget the life I left behind and how if not arrested could I would surely and quickly return to such and existence. Thank you so much, God. You see, ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” KN

In closing today, I believe God can be, if is not already, the savior on your road to recovery and sobriety. May God bless you on your journey.

Please share any comments on this topic or any I have written in the past months. Together we may be able to assist and or save lives trapped in the depths of active alcoholism.

The Good Times

June 10, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Every now and again I might be asked, by someone who knows I am a recovered alcoholic, if I miss the good old days of drinking. My answer is “no”. The first time I ever took a drink, at age 14, found me drunk later that night until I passed out after laying in a friends front yard. For me, I feel that symptoms of alcoholism had begun right away. Not to say that I didn’t have a drinking session that where I felt good and stopped before getting obliterated. There were a few of those times but more so times when my symptoms off being an alcoholic where present.

I have heard it said, that when a person day dreams about the good times of the past, that they should not rewind to those moments but better to play the tape of your life to the point when your life began to fall apart due to drinking. Remember the shakes in the morning after drinking and the terrible headaches;the urinated sheets and clothing; the empty wallet; the blackouts; feeling of guilt and shame associated with drinking; the loss of job; loss of spouse; loss of home; trips to the emergency rooms;stays in rehab; suicidal thoughts and/or attempts: loneliness: paranoia; loss of dreams; trouble with the law; just to name a few.

For myself it is paramount that I remember the horrible times of my drinking years. Inn doing so I feel it keeps me grounded in my daily effort to stay sober. I will always suffer from alcoholism and must remember that if I take a drink the likelihood of having a good time is slim to none. So from time I must replay the tape of my life and rewind to the point where drinking left me prey to the disease. I truly that for me it was when I took that first drink at age 14. The consequences of drinking as an adult came later but was all part of the progression of alcoholism.

I hope is that this post helps suffering alcoholics and those in recovery that we must not forget where we were when problems from drinking began. Always rewind the tape of your life to that point so you can see where you were at and where you are now. I strongly feel with faith in God and a good recovery in place that it will allow you to stay on track on this wonderful journey of sobriety.

May God bless you and your recovery efforts on a daily basis. I hope you keep faith and prayer strong as part of your recovery. For me, if I didn’t, then I most likely would pickup where the tape of my life ended while drinking. I do not wish those times upon anyone.

Please feel to comment or contribute your thoughts regarding this post. Together we can make a difference in people’s lives.

Toxicity

June 5, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In a recent post I spoke about a person in dire need of prayers. He is suffering from alcoholism which attributed to a terminal illness that does not leave him much time left in his young life. It was not to many months back that I wrote how alcoholism was running him rampant with poor choices and serious consequences to pay. During that time he had caused turmoil in people’s lives including my own. I tried to work with others to help get him treatment for alcoholism but I did not succeed in doing so. He was not receptive to the opportunity.

Fast forward to the present. After an incarceration for alcohol related offenses he served his time and was being released. His terminal illness leaving him with a prognosis of six months to one year to live with no treatment for recovery. He has no family member wishing to be with him and it was up to a few of us to step in to help facilitate setting him up with a place to live. We knew a couple of weeks before his release that this burden would fall upon us. I use a strong word like “burden” because the whole process caused a lot of emotional turmoil for my wife and myself in the days prior to his release and in the days following. Even with the most efficient plan in place it required that he stay with us for a couple of days before his living arrangements could be logistically taken care of. Remember this person has no one to turn to. We had to take the chance to care for this person as it was the right thing to do.

As it went, some preparations went smoothly while other did not. There was much stress placed on my wife as not knowing if things would go as planned to efficiently get this person a place to live. We disagreed on some processes and what should or should not be done for this person. Now this introduced much toxicity in our life even though short-lived. We were successful in finding him living arrangements in the time frame we had planned but not without resistance from him. Even though a few days have passed since these event took place we still have differences of opinions on how to be available for this person. Sometimes my selfish ways want to cut all ties after the turmoil this person created over the past several months but then my wife reminds me of a time when I was in the same position as this man was. With out the help of one special person I would have never made it to sobriety.

The point of this story is that alcoholism, on many levels, introduces toxicity into the lives of families and friends . I have often heard that you cannot help a person if they do not want it for themselves. Well I tend not to believe that anymore. I think God has placed me on this planet to help my fellow alcoholics and others at any cost no matter what turmoil that brings. That is not to say that I should let it tear apart my close relationships but that I should always stay available especially for that person seemingly does not want to appear to help themselves, This may be their internal cry for help and I should be there regardless. I have heard it said that a drowning person will take you down with them if they do not completely give in to your help. I believe the drowning person desperately wants your help but in their state of panic they do not know how to receive it. I feel this is true for the suffering alcoholic causing turmoil. They deserve to be saved just s drowning person does, less they both die. I know God wants us to take action to save a fellow brother or sisters life.

I know that resistance will continue with this particular person we have helped but we have made a pledge to be there especially as his life diminishes. Once again I know God has placed this person in our lives for a reason, even if it causes turmoil and even if we do not understand why, so that no one soul goes overlooked. The point again is that this terrible disease will continue to cause toxicity in many people’s lives. I believe how one works through it will determine if a life can be saved from the peril of alcoholism. I know I am a stronger person for the experience and with Gods guidance I will know how to help the next suffering alcoholic that enters my life. May God Bless You as he has me.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to post your remarks, feelings or experience on this topic of toxicity. With God we can help save lives.

Staying Sober Today

Regret

May 29, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In my drinking years and as an alcoholic in early recovery , I was sometimes consumed with regret; being absent while my children were growing up, isolation from my family, not being able to hold down a job and just being an honest person. Now, those are just a few of the many regrets I had. At times that emotion had me riddled with shame and guilt sometimes to the point of being suicidal in my active drinking years. As an alcoholic in early recovery I would sometimes be bogged down with regret. Not to the point of being suicidal or wanting to drink but rather feeling a sense of failure .

For myself, the way I began to move forward was by working the Alcoholics anonymous 12 steps. I slowly began to feel that God had a plan for me including having the strong feelings of regret not being in the for front of my mind. In addition by making amends and having a lot of family and friends be receptive to that I was able to feel some relief. Not total relief but at least to the point that I could begin to move forward with my life. Many of my regrets will always be with me, at times more so that others, but I do know that God will help me deal with those feelings in a sober manner without the temptation to fall prey to drinking again. I know this because, over my last 14 years I feel I have developed a conscious contact with God and can speak with him about regret at any time. Family members and especially my wife, often help me work through the sometimes haunting feelings of regret.

The point I am making is that some feelings will carry on with me, even as a recovered alcoholic, as the years move on, As long as I keep God in my heart and soul I will be able to fight off the depressive feeling that regret can bring on for me. Lastly no matter what I am going through I feel God will avail me of any temptation to take a drink over it if I ask for it. May God bless you as he has me.

Please feel free to post your comments regarding regret and how you cope with that feeling. Thanks for reading this post.

Staying Sober Today

Our Health

May 14, 2017 hvymtl38 2 Comments

I feel that one’s personal health is very important as alcoholics and as alcoholics in early recovery as well as those who have years of sobriety. I know that in my 23 years of drinking I never went to see a doctor or dentist unless it was an emergency. Perhaps I was in denial that my health was poor, scared or just wanted to die an alcoholic death. Whatever the case, in my sobriety, I have been able and willing to see doctors and dentist for various reasons. I am addressing health issues as they arise. I turned 51 years old this year and I feel overwhelmed with health issues that keep popping up. Perhaps its just the fact that I am growing older or is a direct or indirect effect from drinking. I have heard it said that an alcoholic;s body, over an extended period of drinking , causes ones body to age beyond your actual years. I don’t know if that is true but, for myself, it sure feels like it. I am not complaining though. I know many alcoholics are suffering from very serious health conditions. I pray for them and feel grateful that my health issues can addressed.

I feel like you owe it to yourself to know what is going on with your body so you can make informed decisions on how to care for yourself. I am doing so that I can live as long a life as God’s Will allows. I want to see my family grow and share many more great times with them. I even want to get in a few more days of fishing.

Before I got sober it is safe to say that I was dying and these days I choose to live. My hopes are that you choose to live as well. I have found that while health issues arise, God will be there to lead you on a course of action. ,health

Thanks for reading this post and feel free to comments on any of your experiences as an alcoholic. God Bless You.

Joy and Sorrow

March 18, 2017 hvymtl38 Leave a comment

Last night was an evening of joy and sorrow for me. I was at a popular restaurant having dinner with my wife when I saw a man joining a group of people at the table next to ours. He looked familiar but I could not place his face at first. As we waited for our food to arrive we could over hear them making introductions among themselves. When I heard his name I had an overwhelming feeling excitement and sadness. I looked over to my wife and told her who he was and let her know that when we finished dinner I would go over and say hello and introduce her to him.

We had attended college together some 29 years before and had not seen each other since. We had spoke briefly over the phone back in 2006.

You see I had met his brother at a substance abuse rehab in 2003. I didn’t recognize his brother as he spoke in one of our group sessions but afterward I asked if he had a brother with the same last name. He confirmed that he did and our friendship began. Have you known someone for just a short time and felt like you have known them all of your life?This was him and I cherished our time together there sharing our lives and stories of things we would do together later in life after rehab. As we parted ways after our stay at rehab I would see my friend two more times. One was at a celebration of sobriety among some we had attended rehab with and another time when I received a call of desperation from him because he had relapsed into active drug addiction again. I visited him and we spoke for hours but I was very new to sobriety and didn’t know quite how to help him other than letting him know how I was staying clean after a few months of sobriety. Anyway, I left that day not knowing what would happen. A few weeks later he called in desperation stating that he was returning to rehab but was afraid because he could not be admitted for several days. He indicated he had been drinking heavily and was afraid. I told him to stay put and drink if he had to in order to avoid dangerous withdrawals. I do not know if he was using drugs at this time. I was afraid for him as well. After that call I had lost contact with him except for our last call . He had relapsed again and was having a party to celebrate a particular event. He asked if I was still sober and I replied “yes” He said he was proud of me and indicated he would invite me to the party but understood I could not come because their would be too much temptation for me. I can’t remember exactly how long after it was but I could not reach him over the phone after numerous attempts. After some research I finally found a phone number for his brother, who was then man in the restaurant last night, and called him. I greeted him with a hello, after some 17 years later, and asked how is brother was doing, further explaining how I hadn’t had any luck reaching him for a while. His brother gave me news that I could not believe. My friend had succumbed to addiction and had died a few months back. My heart just sunk and my stomach turned sick. We spoke of what a good guy he was. I offered my condolences to him and his family and the call was over. I think of my him often and miss him very much. I miss my friend dearly. R.I.P.

Back to last night at the restaurant. As we paid our check, I told my wife I was going over to say hello and introduce her as well. I approached him, sporting my tattooed sleeves and legs, hair down to my middle back, and my gray beard down to my chest. Many things change over time. As I approached him at his table and announced his name he looked up, not recognizing me of course, and I told him my name. He appeared to be stunned for a moment. He rose up, shook my hand and gave me a suprising, yet welcomed hug. I introduced my wife and we spoke briefly of each other and of his brother. I told him I didn’t want to take up his dinner time and he then hugged me again as we said our good bye’s. His last words were ” I hope we see each other again one day”. I left with great joy of seeing him again and was wonderfully surprised with our reunion.

As we drove home the thought of his brother entered my mind. I became somber and didn’t hardly say a word to my wife on the trip home. The joy of the evening had left me. I said a prayer for the family and retired for the night.

The reason I felt compelled to share this with you is because I guess I feel a certain sense of closure, regarding my friend’s death, by meeting his family face to face. I had indicated last night to his brother that I thought of him often and missed him very much.

I feel this story is also one that shows the power that addiction had over ones life and how tragically fatal it can be. This is the only person I personally knew who lost their battle. I do know that there are many struggling addicts out there wanting help. I say that no matter how little sobriety we have, as was with my case, that we attempt to assist those suffering as if their life and our life depended on it. I know I wish I would have done more for my friend.

My wish and prayers are that those who have recovered or are in recovery help those suffering, I also wish for the hearts to heal from those family members and friends that have lost loved ones to the disease of alcoholism and addiction. May God Bless us and those suffering.

Rock Bottom

My Rock Bottom

February 19, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Rock Bottom was a very dark place for me. It was a necessary evil that I do not wish upon anyone but unfortunately for me I had to hit that low before I surrendered to my disease of alcoholism.

After admission into 7 impatient rehab facilities, 5 outpatient programs, 3 mental institution stays, jail and numerous trips to the hospital emergency rooms I could;t go any longer. I wasn’t crazy but my actions were.

I have read that an active alcoholic will go to any length to protect that lifestyle. I know I did. There was a demon inside me fighting for my way of life . I had wanted to get and stay sober for many years. In fact I used to fantasize what it would be like living sober. Yet after being released from my first rehab in 1991 I continued to drink destructively for 13 more years. A real living hell for me.

My rock bottom came as I lie there in a bed in an alcohol detox program. Counselors had initially exhausted their search for yet another impatient rehab program but I now know that it was Devine Intervention that found me a rehab to accept me. A sanctuary in North Texas that would set me free of the bonds of active alcoholism . A place that I will never forget, nor the people that played a role in my start of recovery.

I am giving a brief description of what my rock bottom was like. God made it possible for me to change and I believe anyone suffering can receive the same blessing as I did. I now know that God was always there for me even though I did not realize it at the time. I had to lose everything including my will to live to finally stop fighting.

My point here is that there are many different forms of rock bottom. Don’t give up no matter what you have or are going through in your life. Fight the demon until it is arrested. Your life probably depends on it. My wish it that active alcoholics get to their own rock bottom sooner that later so they may be saved from the horrible state of addiction. God bless those suffering, in recovery and those who have recovered from the disease.

Thanks for reading. My postings share my experience with alcoholism and hopefully some insight on recovery. Feel free to subscribe to this site and share your experiences , or comments, on how to get sober and stay sober today. If we do this together I believe we can change and save lives.

Be Willing

February 13, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In my previous post “Passing Judgement,” I spoke of a person who is suffering from alcoholism, and unfortunately is spiraling downhill. A very vigorous effort was made to assist this person in choosing to get into a rehab facility.

Unfortunately this person was not ready for treatment. This just goes to reaffirm that not every alcoholic can be helped until then, no matter how hard an effort is made by those wanting help them.

Now in my previous post I spoke of my realization, with my wife’s necessary intervention, that I should go to any lengths an always be willing to try to help any suffering alcoholic wanting sobriety.

Well in this case, for the time being, the disease is ahead. In the future , when this person has hit their rock bottom and is truly honest about wanting to get clean, I will be willing to assist and hopefully the tables will change.

However it does not make it any easier to feel like I failed at helping this person. I have learned that not every alcoholic can be helped but perhaps I planted a seed in their mind. That is what happened in my recovery process. As bad as I wanted sobriety the disease was sabotaging all my efforts to get and stay sober. When I finally hit my rock bottom I was ready and I recalled all of the times people planted seeds in my mind, with regards to getting and staying clean.

I have also learned that trying to help an alcoholic, whether successful or not, there lies an undeniable truth that the process helped me stay sober another day. It also reminded me to playback in my mind how poorly I made decisions when I was at my farthest progression of the disease. I have learned that by playing back the experiences you had as an alcoholic during your final days should be a strong deterrent against wanting to live that way again. These days, after 13 years of sobriety, I rarely think about the good old days of drinking but if they crop up in my mind I am quick, with prayer, to play back the bad times in my life and tell myself, “I don’t have to live that way anymore”

So only time will tell if this person chooses recovery. My wish is that it happens and that I am there then, and available for countless others if they seek my help in finding a path to a life of sobriety.

Thanks for reading and feel free to make any comments. Feel free to join our group by clicking the link on the homepage . You will only receive an email when a new post or comment is made.

May God bless all those suffering and those in recovery.