Tag Archives: God

Power of the Disease of Alcoholism

November 1, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

October 31, 2017, ironically Halloween Day, marked another year of sobriety for me. The monster inside me is still gratefully held prisoner by the Grace of God and my desire to remain sober. I don’t share this a celebratory event but rather a reminder that sobriety is fragile and that any moment, without God, family and good friends it can fall prey to the monster just waiting to be released. My personal opinion, and that which I have heard said, is that if I relapsed into drinking again I would surely revert to the end stages of alcoholism I left behind. For myself, that meant I would be right back to where I left off drinking and to the horrible existence of a dying alcoholic. In addition to the mental obsession associated with drinking and the physical deterioration of my physical body would come my suicidal obsession. I vividly recall in detail the events of past attempts to kill myself. You see, I believe that I didn’t really want to die but I just could not see an end to the self-torture I was putting my mind through. A place I do not wish anybody to be in. As it is referred to as the” jumping off place” as written in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This state is where a suffering alcoholic cannot imagine living life with alcohol any longer as well as not being to live with it anymore . Continuing on would lead to death, whether quickly or slowly, as has been proven by the many who did not survive the horrible disease of alcoholism. That’s right, for those not aware . Alcoholism is a Disease as proclaimed by the American Medical Association over 60 years ago. As it is described as a Disease of the Mind, Body and Spirit. For me that meant living with the 24/7 mental obsession of obtaining, planning and drinking alcohol to a state of drunkenness and blackouts every single day. It meant poisoning my body and suffering grave physical consequences, and most importantly shutting off God from my life. During my drinking days that meant not being able to stand an ounce of my being and a deep hatred for God for allowing me to live that way. Those days, even though I believed in God, my only wish was that God would allow me to die, every single day. I profanely cursed God every time I awoke each day for not allowing me to be dead. You see, I blamed everyone and everything for my alcoholic existence. Today, after 14 years of sobriety, I have been blessed with another chance at life. The obsession to drink has been removed. My physical body has healed and I am no longer angry with God. Gratefully, my belief in God and continual communication through prayer, is the most important part of my life theses days. Without my regained faith I believe I would surely would be dead. Once again, I share my thoughts with you today, not to celebrate but rather to show how fragile sobriety is. We must protect it at all cost, less we return toward certain death.

Lastly, I would like to share a dream that I had during my active alcoholism. You see I had wanted to become sober dating back to 1991. That is when my life had completely unraveled and my downward spiral of turmoil in my life increased. For the next 13 years of active drinking I always had a dream. That was to get sober and change my way of living. I longed for the day when I could, when offered a drink, say that ” I don’t drink anymore” or more simply “No thank you”. Gratefully, by the Grace of God, my dream has come true. I become more increasingly grateful for my sobriety and remarkable changes in my life, however I will never forget the life I left behind and how if not arrested could I would surely and quickly return to such and existence. Thank you so much, God. You see, ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” KN

In closing today, I believe God can be, if is not already, the savior on your road to recovery and sobriety. May God bless you on your journey.

Please share any comments on this topic or any I have written in the past months. Together we may be able to assist and or save lives trapped in the depths of active alcoholism.

The Good Times

June 10, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Every now and again I might be asked, by someone who knows I am a recovered alcoholic, if I miss the good old days of drinking. My answer is “no”. The first time I ever took a drink, at age 14, found me drunk later that night until I passed out after laying in a friends front yard. For me, I feel that symptoms of alcoholism had begun right away. Not to say that I didn’t have a drinking session that where I felt good and stopped before getting obliterated. There were a few of those times but more so times when my symptoms off being an alcoholic where present.

I have heard it said, that when a person day dreams about the good times of the past, that they should not rewind to those moments but better to play the tape of your life to the point when your life began to fall apart due to drinking. Remember the shakes in the morning after drinking and the terrible headaches;the urinated sheets and clothing; the empty wallet; the blackouts; feeling of guilt and shame associated with drinking; the loss of job; loss of spouse; loss of home; trips to the emergency rooms;stays in rehab; suicidal thoughts and/or attempts: loneliness: paranoia; loss of dreams; trouble with the law; just to name a few.

For myself it is paramount that I remember the horrible times of my drinking years. Inn doing so I feel it keeps me grounded in my daily effort to stay sober. I will always suffer from alcoholism and must remember that if I take a drink the likelihood of having a good time is slim to none. So from time I must replay the tape of my life and rewind to the point where drinking left me prey to the disease. I truly that for me it was when I took that first drink at age 14. The consequences of drinking as an adult came later but was all part of the progression of alcoholism.

I hope is that this post helps suffering alcoholics and those in recovery that we must not forget where we were when problems from drinking began. Always rewind the tape of your life to that point so you can see where you were at and where you are now. I strongly feel with faith in God and a good recovery in place that it will allow you to stay on track on this wonderful journey of sobriety.

May God bless you and your recovery efforts on a daily basis. I hope you keep faith and prayer strong as part of your recovery. For me, if I didn’t, then I most likely would pickup where the tape of my life ended while drinking. I do not wish those times upon anyone.

Please feel to comment or contribute your thoughts regarding this post. Together we can make a difference in people’s lives.

Toxicity

June 5, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In a recent post I spoke about a person in dire need of prayers. He is suffering from alcoholism which attributed to a terminal illness that does not leave him much time left in his young life. It was not to many months back that I wrote how alcoholism was running him rampant with poor choices and serious consequences to pay. During that time he had caused turmoil in people’s lives including my own. I tried to work with others to help get him treatment for alcoholism but I did not succeed in doing so. He was not receptive to the opportunity.

Fast forward to the present. After an incarceration for alcohol related offenses he served his time and was being released. His terminal illness leaving him with a prognosis of six months to one year to live with no treatment for recovery. He has no family member wishing to be with him and it was up to a few of us to step in to help facilitate setting him up with a place to live. We knew a couple of weeks before his release that this burden would fall upon us. I use a strong word like “burden” because the whole process caused a lot of emotional turmoil for my wife and myself in the days prior to his release and in the days following. Even with the most efficient plan in place it required that he stay with us for a couple of days before his living arrangements could be logistically taken care of. Remember this person has no one to turn to. We had to take the chance to care for this person as it was the right thing to do.

As it went, some preparations went smoothly while other did not. There was much stress placed on my wife as not knowing if things would go as planned to efficiently get this person a place to live. We disagreed on some processes and what should or should not be done for this person. Now this introduced much toxicity in our life even though short-lived. We were successful in finding him living arrangements in the time frame we had planned but not without resistance from him. Even though a few days have passed since these event took place we still have differences of opinions on how to be available for this person. Sometimes my selfish ways want to cut all ties after the turmoil this person created over the past several months but then my wife reminds me of a time when I was in the same position as this man was. With out the help of one special person I would have never made it to sobriety.

The point of this story is that alcoholism, on many levels, introduces toxicity into the lives of families and friends . I have often heard that you cannot help a person if they do not want it for themselves. Well I tend not to believe that anymore. I think God has placed me on this planet to help my fellow alcoholics and others at any cost no matter what turmoil that brings. That is not to say that I should let it tear apart my close relationships but that I should always stay available especially for that person seemingly does not want to appear to help themselves, This may be their internal cry for help and I should be there regardless. I have heard it said that a drowning person will take you down with them if they do not completely give in to your help. I believe the drowning person desperately wants your help but in their state of panic they do not know how to receive it. I feel this is true for the suffering alcoholic causing turmoil. They deserve to be saved just s drowning person does, less they both die. I know God wants us to take action to save a fellow brother or sisters life.

I know that resistance will continue with this particular person we have helped but we have made a pledge to be there especially as his life diminishes. Once again I know God has placed this person in our lives for a reason, even if it causes turmoil and even if we do not understand why, so that no one soul goes overlooked. The point again is that this terrible disease will continue to cause toxicity in many people’s lives. I believe how one works through it will determine if a life can be saved from the peril of alcoholism. I know I am a stronger person for the experience and with Gods guidance I will know how to help the next suffering alcoholic that enters my life. May God Bless You as he has me.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to post your remarks, feelings or experience on this topic of toxicity. With God we can help save lives.

Staying Sober Today

Regret

May 29, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In my drinking years and as an alcoholic in early recovery , I was sometimes consumed with regret; being absent while my children were growing up, isolation from my family, not being able to hold down a job and just being an honest person. Now, those are just a few of the many regrets I had. At times that emotion had me riddled with shame and guilt sometimes to the point of being suicidal in my active drinking years. As an alcoholic in early recovery I would sometimes be bogged down with regret. Not to the point of being suicidal or wanting to drink but rather feeling a sense of failure .

For myself, the way I began to move forward was by working the Alcoholics anonymous 12 steps. I slowly began to feel that God had a plan for me including having the strong feelings of regret not being in the for front of my mind. In addition by making amends and having a lot of family and friends be receptive to that I was able to feel some relief. Not total relief but at least to the point that I could begin to move forward with my life. Many of my regrets will always be with me, at times more so that others, but I do know that God will help me deal with those feelings in a sober manner without the temptation to fall prey to drinking again. I know this because, over my last 14 years I feel I have developed a conscious contact with God and can speak with him about regret at any time. Family members and especially my wife, often help me work through the sometimes haunting feelings of regret.

The point I am making is that some feelings will carry on with me, even as a recovered alcoholic, as the years move on, As long as I keep God in my heart and soul I will be able to fight off the depressive feeling that regret can bring on for me. Lastly no matter what I am going through I feel God will avail me of any temptation to take a drink over it if I ask for it. May God bless you as he has me.

Please feel free to post your comments regarding regret and how you cope with that feeling. Thanks for reading this post.

Staying Sober Today

Our Health

May 14, 2017 hvymtl38 2 Comments

I feel that one’s personal health is very important as alcoholics and as alcoholics in early recovery as well as those who have years of sobriety. I know that in my 23 years of drinking I never went to see a doctor or dentist unless it was an emergency. Perhaps I was in denial that my health was poor, scared or just wanted to die an alcoholic death. Whatever the case, in my sobriety, I have been able and willing to see doctors and dentist for various reasons. I am addressing health issues as they arise. I turned 51 years old this year and I feel overwhelmed with health issues that keep popping up. Perhaps its just the fact that I am growing older or is a direct or indirect effect from drinking. I have heard it said that an alcoholic;s body, over an extended period of drinking , causes ones body to age beyond your actual years. I don’t know if that is true but, for myself, it sure feels like it. I am not complaining though. I know many alcoholics are suffering from very serious health conditions. I pray for them and feel grateful that my health issues can addressed.

I feel like you owe it to yourself to know what is going on with your body so you can make informed decisions on how to care for yourself. I am doing so that I can live as long a life as God’s Will allows. I want to see my family grow and share many more great times with them. I even want to get in a few more days of fishing.

Before I got sober it is safe to say that I was dying and these days I choose to live. My hopes are that you choose to live as well. I have found that while health issues arise, God will be there to lead you on a course of action. ,health

Thanks for reading this post and feel free to comments on any of your experiences as an alcoholic. God Bless You.

The Good and Bad

Good and Bad

April 20, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Not too long ago my wife spoke to me , in response to an accident I had, and stated “sometimes bad things happen to good people”.

Several weeks ago, while carelessly preparing some fishing equipment for an outing, I stabbed my forefinger with a hunting knife. The puncture was deep and in addition to the pain I instantly felt a numbness in my finger. Its been a while since the stitches were removed. The laceration has healed but the pain and numbness still persist. Enough so that I have not been able use my finger or hand effectively, much less play guitar or reel in a fishing line. Two activities I really enjoy now that was not the case in my drinking years.

Poor me, right? That is exactly why I am telling this story. Self-pity is a state that is easy for me to fall under. In my unhappiness over the situation I stated to my wife that “I must have done something wrong and God punished me for some act I must have committed.” My wife assured me that God was not punishing me and that, once again, bad things can happen to good people.

Now , back in my drinking days I would have really sulked and been very angry at God for my injury. I would have not said a kind words over the matter to him. However,theses days I do not have to drink over everyday occurrences, whether good or bad. That is choice I can now make because I am sober. I can also choose to not feel sorry for myself or angry at God. This is grave because I have heard it said that self-pity and anger, if dwelled upon, will certainly lead to drinking again. That is not a luxury I can afford, less I die.

I have come to terms that time may heal my wound and I can resume guitar playing or reeling in a fish not to mention the everyday use of my finger and hand. Patience or therapy may be action required but I can do it and I don’t have to take a drink over the outcome. I know God has a plan for me and as long as pray that “thy will be done, not mine” everything will turn out as it should.

I know hard times and accidents will occur in my life, that is just a fact. Two things though; I do not have to drink over them and God will provide for me.

May your prayers be answered and may the gift of sobriety, so graciously given to us by God, be held onto tightly as we go though life; both the good and the bad.

Please feel free to comment on this topic and how you deal with both the good and the bad occurrences in life. God Bless You!

Rock Bottom

My Rock Bottom

February 19, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Rock Bottom was a very dark place for me. It was a necessary evil that I do not wish upon anyone but unfortunately for me I had to hit that low before I surrendered to my disease of alcoholism.

After admission into 7 impatient rehab facilities, 5 outpatient programs, 3 mental institution stays, jail and numerous trips to the hospital emergency rooms I could;t go any longer. I wasn’t crazy but my actions were.

I have read that an active alcoholic will go to any length to protect that lifestyle. I know I did. There was a demon inside me fighting for my way of life . I had wanted to get and stay sober for many years. In fact I used to fantasize what it would be like living sober. Yet after being released from my first rehab in 1991 I continued to drink destructively for 13 more years. A real living hell for me.

My rock bottom came as I lie there in a bed in an alcohol detox program. Counselors had initially exhausted their search for yet another impatient rehab program but I now know that it was Devine Intervention that found me a rehab to accept me. A sanctuary in North Texas that would set me free of the bonds of active alcoholism . A place that I will never forget, nor the people that played a role in my start of recovery.

I am giving a brief description of what my rock bottom was like. God made it possible for me to change and I believe anyone suffering can receive the same blessing as I did. I now know that God was always there for me even though I did not realize it at the time. I had to lose everything including my will to live to finally stop fighting.

My point here is that there are many different forms of rock bottom. Don’t give up no matter what you have or are going through in your life. Fight the demon until it is arrested. Your life probably depends on it. My wish it that active alcoholics get to their own rock bottom sooner that later so they may be saved from the horrible state of addiction. God bless those suffering, in recovery and those who have recovered from the disease.

Thanks for reading. My postings share my experience with alcoholism and hopefully some insight on recovery. Feel free to subscribe to this site and share your experiences , or comments, on how to get sober and stay sober today. If we do this together I believe we can change and save lives.

Forgiveness and Gifts

The Beauty of Forgiveness

January 14, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

A new year is underway and I believe it will provide many gifts as long as I stay sober. The greatest gift is that from God. I know that he will protect me from temptation to drink if I honestly seek it and commune with him on a daily basis. By God’s Will and his Grace I look forward to the beauty that may lie ahead.

I would like to share some of my greatest gifts that sobriety has offered. Over the last 13 years I have been able to make amends to many people I had harmed as a result of my reckless and irresponsible behaviors of the past. It is a wonderful feeling to have gained the trust of my family again. I try very hard to honor commitments and I fray away from lying or making excuses. What a horrible way that way was to live as I recall my past behaviors while drinking.

A beautiful gift is that my grandchildren have never had to see me take a drink. God willing they will never have to. I do hope that my children never have to experience that again as well. I recall my stomach turning and twisting every time I saw my father start drinking again when I was a child. He did his best to raise me even though he to suffered from the Disease of Alcoholism. This last sentence is good to remember and reminds me to talk to my children and really find out how they felt seeing me drink on a daily basis. I have made amends to them but I don’t think I ever really sat down and discussed their feelings about my drinking years. I will make this a point to do in person the next time I see them. So you see, there are many ways to look at gifts of sobriety and the chance to get to talk to them face to face is a blessing for me.

There have been many other beautiful gifts that sobriety has yielded, like a wonderful marriage to my beautiful, caring and understanding wife. I am no longer as selfish as I once was and see the future as an opportunity to try to impact and help as many lives ( both suffering alcoholics and others) as God allows.

The greatest gift is my relationship with God. I feel he has forgiven me for my past behaviors and loves me unconditionally. In previous posts I described how I used to be angry every morning because he didn’t take my life overnight because of my daily abusive behavior when I was actively drinking. I am very grateful that I don’t have to live that way anymore. He has given me good health and a new found desire to live a long life.

These are just a few of the greatest rewards I have received over the years of sobriety and they far surpass any material gifts. Material gifts are nice but do not compare to spiritual gifts that have come my way.

Thanks for reading. I invite you to share your wonderful gifts you have received and pass on this website to others who may need help getting sober or while in recovery. God Bless you all.

The Wasted Years - I don't have to live that way anymore

24 Hours at a Time

December 30, 2016 hvymtl38 1 Comment

A new year is about to begin and many resolutions will be made. As far as my sobriety goes I care to just look at it one day at a time. I feel with prayer and conscious contact during the day with God, and by his grace, I can stay sober for the day. I have heard it said that since ones future is uncertain, it makes sense to commit to staying sober for a 24 hour period rather than overwhelming oneself’s with thoughts the future. This helps me to stay focused on the gift of sobriety as my number one daily resolution. I may make some resolutions or set goals for the new year but they will take a back seat in my effort to remain clean and sober. Over the last 13 years this approach has worked for me and other recovered alcoholics as I have heard. Please join me and countless others in making a daily resolution to stay sober. I feel it will be the best resolution of all.

To those still suffering from the disease of alcoholism and desperately want to get and stay sober, my wish is that you can find a resource, whether it be Rehabilitation, Alcoholics Anonymous, Clergy , Counseling or a combination of them or any avenue that can get you clean and on your way to a life of joy and happiness, free from the chains of alcoholism that bound you. I am confident you can do it and I pray for all those still suffering.

Thank You for reading and feel free to make and comments, that can help alcoholics trapped in the cycle of addiction, get free. God Bless and have a Happy New Year.