October 31, 2017, ironically Halloween Day, marked another year of sobriety for me. The monster inside me is still gratefully held prisoner by the Grace of God and my desire to remain sober. I don’t share this a celebratory event but rather a reminder that sobriety is fragile and that any moment, without God, family and good friends it can fall prey to the monster just waiting to be released. My personal opinion, and that which I have heard said, is that if I relapsed into drinking again I would surely revert to the end stages of alcoholism I left behind. For myself, that meant I would be right back to where I left off drinking and to the horrible existence of a dying alcoholic. In addition to the mental obsession associated with drinking and the physical deterioration of my physical body would come my suicidal obsession. I vividly recall in detail the events of past attempts to kill myself. You see, I believe that I didn’t really want to die but I just could not see an end to the self-torture I was putting my mind through. A place I do not wish anybody to be in. As it is referred to as the” jumping off place” as written in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This state is where a suffering alcoholic cannot imagine living life with alcohol any longer as well as not being to live with it anymore . Continuing on would lead to death, whether quickly or slowly, as has been proven by the many who did not survive the horrible disease of alcoholism. That’s right, for those not aware . Alcoholism is a Disease as proclaimed by the American Medical Association over 60 years ago. As it is described as a Disease of the Mind, Body and Spirit. For me that meant living with the 24/7 mental obsession of obtaining, planning and drinking alcohol to a state of drunkenness and blackouts every single day. It meant poisoning my body and suffering grave physical consequences, and most importantly shutting off God from my life. During my drinking days that meant not being able to stand an ounce of my being and a deep hatred for God for allowing me to live that way. Those days, even though I believed in God, my only wish was that God would allow me to die, every single day. I profanely cursed God every time I awoke each day for not allowing me to be dead. You see, I blamed everyone and everything for my alcoholic existence. Today, after 14 years of sobriety, I have been blessed with another chance at life. The obsession to drink has been removed. My physical body has healed and I am no longer angry with God. Gratefully, my belief in God and continual communication through prayer, is the most important part of my life theses days. Without my regained faith I believe I would surely would be dead. Once again, I share my thoughts with you today, not to celebrate but rather to show how fragile sobriety is. We must protect it at all cost, less we return toward certain death.
Lastly, I would like to share a dream that I had during my active alcoholism. You see I had wanted to become sober dating back to 1991. That is when my life had completely unraveled and my downward spiral of turmoil in my life increased. For the next 13 years of active drinking I always had a dream. That was to get sober and change my way of living. I longed for the day when I could, when offered a drink, say that ” I don’t drink anymore” or more simply “No thank you”. Gratefully, by the Grace of God, my dream has come true. I become more increasingly grateful for my sobriety and remarkable changes in my life, however I will never forget the life I left behind and how if not arrested could I would surely and quickly return to such and existence. Thank you so much, God. You see, ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” KN
In closing today, I believe God can be, if is not already, the savior on your road to recovery and sobriety. May God bless you on your journey.
Please share any comments on this topic or any I have written in the past months. Together we may be able to assist and or save lives trapped in the depths of active alcoholism.