Tag Archives: alcoholism

God

By the Grace of God

November 17, 2023 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In my sobriety it is always important that I remember “There but for the grace of God, go I” especially when I think of where I came from as an active alcoholic and where I am now in sobriety.

Now, I am writing this post with some observations I have made recently regarding all the recovered alcoholics who are sharing their strength and hope on various social media. God bless them for their efforts. May they reach those suffering souls, just like I am trying to do, who need to hear their message.

In the wake of the death of the actor, Matthew Perry, it was interesting for me to find out he was an advocate for recovery from addiction. I had not known much about him until a lot of his interviews regarding recovery have come to light since he passed away. I had just happened to be on social media and I clicked a interview that he gave and that is how I came to about him and his efforts help suffering alcoholics and drug addicts. After I viewed the first interview I researched him to find many interviews that he had done regarding his struggles with addiction and recovery.

Since then I have been exposed to many many persons creating videos on social media advocating recovery from addiction. I praise these individuals for their efforts to help others with the same disease.

I know there are tons of recovery videos out there but I just wanted to point out one observation. In the 25 or so that I have viewed in the past week they have all shared valuable strength , hope and information that I have recieved from AA, treatment centers, books, etc. However, I didn’t find one that discussed the spiritual aspect . One video that I viewed mention that alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body and spirit but none of them expanded on the spiritual aspect.

I have thought about this and instead of wondering why I am going to make some posts and videos that stress the importance of the spiritual aspect of recovery. In my efforts to reach out to suffering alcoholics I have been fortunate to have made this website available, made my own videos on youtube and have written a book. I have not recieved much feedback on my efforts but have vowed to continue my efforts to reach out to others. I have to just remind myself that it is not about me but it is about the suffering addict that may run across a message that brings hope to their life. As they saying goes ” if it helps at least one person it is worth it.” I pray to God that it reaches many more.

So why post this. i just want to remind myself that without God my sobriety would not be possible. I want to remind myself to never shy away from the mentioning the spiritual aspect of recovery, with conviction, when speaking about my alcoholism. i will continue to post more on my spirituality in recovery.

Thanks for reading this post and if you have any feedback on this post or any others I greatly welcome that. If you know of a suffering alcoholic or one in early recovery that may be reached in some way please share this website or create your own so that the message of hope remains out there. May God bless you and your work.

Staying Sober Today

Stop Stalling

April 11, 2019 hvymtl38 1 Comment

This evening I had a flashback to the early 1990’s. It had to do with what I was doing with my life at the time. As I looked back I began to get sad, not a pity party per say, but just that I wasted a lot of my life during my drinking years. I started thinking of all the things I would have loved to do and wonder if they would have been possible had I not been an active alcoholic.

As a recovered alcoholic I have come to learn, with faith in God, that had to go through much turmoil in order to be where I am today, and today is a great place. I have a wonderful family and have enjoyed many new great memories over the last 16 years of sobriety. I wouldn’t change that for anything. Yet, I feel there is something lacking.

In an attempt to become more fulfilled I am going to make a list of things I would like to do with my life. This is not a “bucket list” but rather pushing myself to try new things. I am going to try to be realistic in making these choices as I know setting goals that are to lofty can be detrimental to my sobriety.

Last year I had the opportunity to share my story at a recovery hospital on a voluntary basis. I was asked if I could come by once a week to do so. I let fear enter my mind and my heart and I didn’t follow through. So, this year I would like to put out the same offer to other rehabilitation centers and see if I can overcome those fears and get out there and make a difference in the lives of suffering alcoholics. I may have blown my only chance but will continue to make new efforts. I believe in my heart that this is what God wants me to do with the remainder of my life.

I would like to write a complete song on the guitar with accompanying lyrics and record it for my own enjoyment. Now I am unfortunately not talented enough to join a band to play guitar or sing but it is always something I wanted to do. So writing and singing a song seems reasonable.

That is just two things I would like to begin doing. I will share updates in future posts and continue to push myself to do things with my life that are fulfilling. There is a song out there that refers to moving ahead with your life. I think I will start just that; getting a move on.

This post is very important and personal for me. I have to remember that the past cannot be changed. I have many regrets but I don’t have to dwell on them lest I am in danger of delving into self pity and getting closer to a drink. Instead I will continue my program of sobriety. Who knows, I might even become a dirt bike jumper.

I must remember that the “wasted years” as I refer to in my book are those in which I allowed my drinking to take a way my dreams. Some can no longer be accomplished but I suppose that is why I always have a chance to create new dreams. I pray that I can begin today. “Get Up Get Up Get a Move On–Stop Stalling” (Shinedown). I pray that I will stop stalling now.

I would sure like to hear any comments you would like to share on this topic or on what I posted. Together we can make a difference in the lives of fellow alcoholics. May God bless your life as he has mine.

Staying Sober Today

My Alcoholic Years: Part 5 of 5

July 30, 2018 hvymtl38 Leave a comment

The Sober years for me can only be a blessing from God. After 23 years of suffering and attempting to get sober, God saw it fit to grant me a new lease on life. I do not feel like I deserve it but I do give thanks everyday for it.

There have been many great things happen in my life that sobriety has given to me. I could create a very long list but I will summarize and point out some wonderful highlights.

The first being accepting and grateful of God in my life. Conscience contact on a throughout the day allows me to make a promise that I will make the effort and do the work required to stay sober for the day and 24 hours ahead. Secondly, has been my opportunity to make genuine amends to family members. For the most part my amends were accepted and some were not. I can only pray that those persons I hurt can be healed in the future. My children have said things are good between us but I wonder if my absences in their lives growing up has really been healed. I can only pray and do right by them now and ahead.

Many more great things have happened. My grandchildren have been born and by the grace of God have never had to seen me take a drink. I am married to a wonderful woman. I am no longer suffering and had the tattoo, bearing thses letters, S U F F E R I N G, that were inked on my forearm, covered up. In addition I was able to change my way of thinking and the people and places I hung around. Just t name a few.

I do feel obligated to mention some hardships that have occurred during sobriety. There was difficulty trying to pick up the pieces and move forward in early sobriety; i.e. loss of employment, home and money to name a few. Insignificant in many ways but still were an important means of daily survival. There have been loss of close family members and those lost to the powerful grip of addiction.

Many more good things and bad have occurred but I understand that is part of life. One day I to will be gone of this earth but for now I am trying very hard to be a good person. I pray that I can leave that legacy. I also pray that this website and first book written can have an impact on the lives of those suffering as well as those in recovery and who have recovered from the disease of alcoholism.

With regards to my past alcoholic past, ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” and I am eternally grateful for that. I pray that you no longer have to live that way either. May God bless you on your journey of sobriety.

This completes the 5 part series on “My Alcoholic Years” and I hope it has given some insight on my struggles and how ones life can truly be changed by God as well as lot of good people along the way.

Please feel free to comment on this post or any that I have written on. With your participation we may be able to save lives. Who knows there may be people out there we have helped and don’t even know it. Lets pray that it may be true. God bless you.

You Can Do It

January 11, 2018 hvymtl38 Leave a comment

Many resolutions have been made in this New Year. Some going strong and others falling short. That’s ok. because a new resolution can be started every new day. Say to yourself, I want to stop drinking today. It can be done and you deserve it. If you are a suffering alcoholic who desperately wants to stop drinking I would like to share my struggles and the avenues to recovery that have helped me get sober and stay that way over the past 14 years.

I drank for 23 years and the all of that time I made bad choice after bad choice. I had wanted to get sober back in 1991 but did not. I knew my life was out of control by age 24 and I needed help. I checked into a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center but I discharged myself the following day. That would be a pattern I would follow in the years to come. Little did I know how the effects of drinking would negatively affect my life over the next 13 years. It was the years of 2001-2003 that desperation settled in as I neared death from the affects of alcoholism.

I would like to briefly share my path that got me sober and has helped me stay that way. It was always a dream as far back I can remember as an active alcoholic to stop drinking. As I posted before I longed for the day when I could say ” No thanks” or ” I don’t drink” with regards to being offered a drink.

From 2001 to 2003 I checked myself into 7 impatient rehabs and 5 outpatient rehabs. As I mentioned my pattern was to stay a short while and then to bail only to find myself buried in the bottle again. These were rough times but it paid off when I stayed the full term at my final impatient rehab in 2003. There I made an honest effort to get and stay sober. I would meet a wonderful counselor who would change my life. What a blessing. My wish for you is that you never stop seeking assistance from rehab center until an impact be made upon you.

After rehab I attended Alcoholics Anonymous. as suggested, often attending two meetings a day . All I can say is try a meeting: listen to others in the same boat as us. It helped me relate to others were sharing. I had to attend different meetings until I found one in which I could relate to the fellow alcoholics and get a positive message of hope from attending. All I can say is try it as it worked for me.

During this time I also sought medical attention for mental illness from a psychiatrist and found medication that assisted me . If you feel it may help you than go for it. Please do anything you have to do. I also saw a physcotherapist who I could discuss what was going on in my life as well as sharing how was doing and feeling on a weekly basis. You see I was desperate to stay sober. I knew going back to drinking would mean a certain death.

Some say that seeking Clergy for assistance in staying sober was helpful. I did not initially do that but later in sobriety I would attend church which gave me positive reinforcement and continued hope that everything was going to be ok.

Without the support of my family I may not have made it. They took me in, , during early recovery when I had nowhere to go and many of my family members would accept my amends when it was time for me to do so. Not all, but some. I had to slowly try to gain their trust through my actions. I found that it worked for me and since have developed strong relationships with the family that I once abandoned during my active drinking years. Just another blessing.

Reading meditation books on a daily basis gave me a message of strength and hope that I could stay sober. I have read these books until the cover has worm off. and the pages have worn and crimpled It may work for you as well.

Lastly, and most important for me, was my renewed faith in God and daily prayer. You see, for years I hated God for the allowing me to live the way I was living. It wasn’t until I got sober that I realized God never abandoned me and I pray every day that I can be forgiven for my past actions in life. Daily prayer at beginning of my day as well as throughout has been of utmost importance for me. I t allows me to seek advice from God in order to use good judgement. Most of my prayers get answered. Sometimes I like the answers to my prayers and sometimes they may go unanswered but rest assured I know it is what God determines what is best for me. and sometimes It gives me a feeling of a connection with God that I hope anyone can experience. I think this can be so for anyone.

Through these avenues I was able to get and stay sober to date. My wish in briefly sharing what I did to get sober may assist you. It is never to late to start your day over and make a resolution to seek a new way of life. The struggle for me was the most difficult of my life but I am grateful that God, Family and a lot of good people who never gave up on me. Many good events have occurred in my life of sobriety as well as many bad events. As I have posted in prior blogs is that my way of thinking has changed and as a result I have not had to take a drink over the events in the last 14 years. My wish is that we never have to drink again and fall into the pit of despair. if you will

Thank your for reading this today and I hope it may offer an ounce of hope. I know you can get sober and find a life of peace. You are worth it and deserve it. Please fell free to share your struggles, life changing events and feelings or opinions of what I have shared in this blog today. It may make a difference in the life of a suffering alcoholic. I pray that it does. God Bless You!

Staying Sober Today

Daily Resolutions

December 31, 2017 hvymtl38 Leave a comment

It’s the last day of the calendar year 2017 and many things have impacted my life. Some events not so good and others for the better. This past year has had visits with distant family and unfortunate deaths of close family members and friends. As I have often reiterated in previous posts, I did not have to take a drink over the good or the bad times. It’s by the Grace of God and for that I am grateful.

As I reflect over the past year, and of my sober years previous, I have indeed seen growth in myself. I have been able to improve my conscience contact with God throughout the day with increased prayer. What a wonderful feeling to be able to reach out at anytime, no matter what is going on, and take just a minute to express thanks or ask for guidance over any particular issue at the time. This is a very strong force in my life now. Now as a newly sober person some 15 years ago I was not even close to having this relationship with God. It took time and dedication in prayer, I believe, to get where I am at mentally and spiritually these days. I know if it worked for me and it can also happen for any alcoholic whether suffering, in early recovery or having been recovered from alcoholism.

Now there have been many instances over the past year that I needed improvement over. My personal relationships with family and friends could have been better and have occurred more often. I know that I have neglected some people and have distanced myself from others. This indeed is a character defect as they say. The acknowledgement of this however is positive. As a recovered alcoholic I should be “giving” in more of my actions than just seeing what is in it for me. I am going to work on being more emotionally available for some and give my utmost self to family and friends. I want to know that in some small way I am making a difference in someone’s life. I will make these resolutions on a daily basis in the coming year. I have heard it said and I think it is important to mention that for this alcoholic every day can be a new year’s day. You see I always have the opportunity to better myself the next day. Amends may have to be made and good living can be improved. So, for myself, I will not make a new year’s resolution based on the calendar year but rather make a new resolution every new day of the year. I live one day at a time so it would not make sense for me to over extend my abilities to be a good person by proclaiming unrealistic expectations for myself. My hope is that all alcoholics can live one day at a time and find their opportunities to be a better person. By the Grace of God I am willing and will try to do so for myself and people around me. It never hurts to be a good person to stranger or those that cross our paths from time to time as well. That will be my resolution for today.

I pray for those are suffering this holiday season. My wish is that they may find God and meet a lot of good people who may assist them in getting and staying sober. I am proof as well as all the other once suffering alcoholics who have now found a new way of living and thinking. What a blessing. For those suffering now it will take the hardest work of your life, but you can do it. You are worth it. May God place sobriety into your life to.

Thank you for reading this post. Please feel to join in with your comments or life experience. I believe it t could help save someones life. God bless you!

Staying Sober Today

Power of the Disease of Alcoholism

November 1, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

October 31, 2017, ironically Halloween Day, marked another year of sobriety for me. The monster inside me is still gratefully held prisoner by the Grace of God and my desire to remain sober. I don’t share this a celebratory event but rather a reminder that sobriety is fragile and that any moment, without God, family and good friends it can fall prey to the monster just waiting to be released. My personal opinion, and that which I have heard said, is that if I relapsed into drinking again I would surely revert to the end stages of alcoholism I left behind. For myself, that meant I would be right back to where I left off drinking and to the horrible existence of a dying alcoholic. In addition to the mental obsession associated with drinking and the physical deterioration of my physical body would come my suicidal obsession. I vividly recall in detail the events of past attempts to kill myself. You see, I believe that I didn’t really want to die but I just could not see an end to the self-torture I was putting my mind through. A place I do not wish anybody to be in. As it is referred to as the” jumping off place” as written in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. This state is where a suffering alcoholic cannot imagine living life with alcohol any longer as well as not being to live with it anymore . Continuing on would lead to death, whether quickly or slowly, as has been proven by the many who did not survive the horrible disease of alcoholism. That’s right, for those not aware . Alcoholism is a Disease as proclaimed by the American Medical Association over 60 years ago. As it is described as a Disease of the Mind, Body and Spirit. For me that meant living with the 24/7 mental obsession of obtaining, planning and drinking alcohol to a state of drunkenness and blackouts every single day. It meant poisoning my body and suffering grave physical consequences, and most importantly shutting off God from my life. During my drinking days that meant not being able to stand an ounce of my being and a deep hatred for God for allowing me to live that way. Those days, even though I believed in God, my only wish was that God would allow me to die, every single day. I profanely cursed God every time I awoke each day for not allowing me to be dead. You see, I blamed everyone and everything for my alcoholic existence. Today, after 14 years of sobriety, I have been blessed with another chance at life. The obsession to drink has been removed. My physical body has healed and I am no longer angry with God. Gratefully, my belief in God and continual communication through prayer, is the most important part of my life theses days. Without my regained faith I believe I would surely would be dead. Once again, I share my thoughts with you today, not to celebrate but rather to show how fragile sobriety is. We must protect it at all cost, less we return toward certain death.

Lastly, I would like to share a dream that I had during my active alcoholism. You see I had wanted to become sober dating back to 1991. That is when my life had completely unraveled and my downward spiral of turmoil in my life increased. For the next 13 years of active drinking I always had a dream. That was to get sober and change my way of living. I longed for the day when I could, when offered a drink, say that ” I don’t drink anymore” or more simply “No thank you”. Gratefully, by the Grace of God, my dream has come true. I become more increasingly grateful for my sobriety and remarkable changes in my life, however I will never forget the life I left behind and how if not arrested could I would surely and quickly return to such and existence. Thank you so much, God. You see, ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” KN

In closing today, I believe God can be, if is not already, the savior on your road to recovery and sobriety. May God bless you on your journey.

Please share any comments on this topic or any I have written in the past months. Together we may be able to assist and or save lives trapped in the depths of active alcoholism.

Toxicity

June 5, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In a recent post I spoke about a person in dire need of prayers. He is suffering from alcoholism which attributed to a terminal illness that does not leave him much time left in his young life. It was not to many months back that I wrote how alcoholism was running him rampant with poor choices and serious consequences to pay. During that time he had caused turmoil in people’s lives including my own. I tried to work with others to help get him treatment for alcoholism but I did not succeed in doing so. He was not receptive to the opportunity.

Fast forward to the present. After an incarceration for alcohol related offenses he served his time and was being released. His terminal illness leaving him with a prognosis of six months to one year to live with no treatment for recovery. He has no family member wishing to be with him and it was up to a few of us to step in to help facilitate setting him up with a place to live. We knew a couple of weeks before his release that this burden would fall upon us. I use a strong word like “burden” because the whole process caused a lot of emotional turmoil for my wife and myself in the days prior to his release and in the days following. Even with the most efficient plan in place it required that he stay with us for a couple of days before his living arrangements could be logistically taken care of. Remember this person has no one to turn to. We had to take the chance to care for this person as it was the right thing to do.

As it went, some preparations went smoothly while other did not. There was much stress placed on my wife as not knowing if things would go as planned to efficiently get this person a place to live. We disagreed on some processes and what should or should not be done for this person. Now this introduced much toxicity in our life even though short-lived. We were successful in finding him living arrangements in the time frame we had planned but not without resistance from him. Even though a few days have passed since these event took place we still have differences of opinions on how to be available for this person. Sometimes my selfish ways want to cut all ties after the turmoil this person created over the past several months but then my wife reminds me of a time when I was in the same position as this man was. With out the help of one special person I would have never made it to sobriety.

The point of this story is that alcoholism, on many levels, introduces toxicity into the lives of families and friends . I have often heard that you cannot help a person if they do not want it for themselves. Well I tend not to believe that anymore. I think God has placed me on this planet to help my fellow alcoholics and others at any cost no matter what turmoil that brings. That is not to say that I should let it tear apart my close relationships but that I should always stay available especially for that person seemingly does not want to appear to help themselves, This may be their internal cry for help and I should be there regardless. I have heard it said that a drowning person will take you down with them if they do not completely give in to your help. I believe the drowning person desperately wants your help but in their state of panic they do not know how to receive it. I feel this is true for the suffering alcoholic causing turmoil. They deserve to be saved just s drowning person does, less they both die. I know God wants us to take action to save a fellow brother or sisters life.

I know that resistance will continue with this particular person we have helped but we have made a pledge to be there especially as his life diminishes. Once again I know God has placed this person in our lives for a reason, even if it causes turmoil and even if we do not understand why, so that no one soul goes overlooked. The point again is that this terrible disease will continue to cause toxicity in many people’s lives. I believe how one works through it will determine if a life can be saved from the peril of alcoholism. I know I am a stronger person for the experience and with Gods guidance I will know how to help the next suffering alcoholic that enters my life. May God Bless You as he has me.

Thanks for reading and please feel free to post your remarks, feelings or experience on this topic of toxicity. With God we can help save lives.

The Good and Bad

Good and Bad

April 20, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Not too long ago my wife spoke to me , in response to an accident I had, and stated “sometimes bad things happen to good people”.

Several weeks ago, while carelessly preparing some fishing equipment for an outing, I stabbed my forefinger with a hunting knife. The puncture was deep and in addition to the pain I instantly felt a numbness in my finger. Its been a while since the stitches were removed. The laceration has healed but the pain and numbness still persist. Enough so that I have not been able use my finger or hand effectively, much less play guitar or reel in a fishing line. Two activities I really enjoy now that was not the case in my drinking years.

Poor me, right? That is exactly why I am telling this story. Self-pity is a state that is easy for me to fall under. In my unhappiness over the situation I stated to my wife that “I must have done something wrong and God punished me for some act I must have committed.” My wife assured me that God was not punishing me and that, once again, bad things can happen to good people.

Now , back in my drinking days I would have really sulked and been very angry at God for my injury. I would have not said a kind words over the matter to him. However,theses days I do not have to drink over everyday occurrences, whether good or bad. That is choice I can now make because I am sober. I can also choose to not feel sorry for myself or angry at God. This is grave because I have heard it said that self-pity and anger, if dwelled upon, will certainly lead to drinking again. That is not a luxury I can afford, less I die.

I have come to terms that time may heal my wound and I can resume guitar playing or reeling in a fish not to mention the everyday use of my finger and hand. Patience or therapy may be action required but I can do it and I don’t have to take a drink over the outcome. I know God has a plan for me and as long as pray that “thy will be done, not mine” everything will turn out as it should.

I know hard times and accidents will occur in my life, that is just a fact. Two things though; I do not have to drink over them and God will provide for me.

May your prayers be answered and may the gift of sobriety, so graciously given to us by God, be held onto tightly as we go though life; both the good and the bad.

Please feel free to comment on this topic and how you deal with both the good and the bad occurrences in life. God Bless You!

Rock Bottom

My Rock Bottom

February 19, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Rock Bottom was a very dark place for me. It was a necessary evil that I do not wish upon anyone but unfortunately for me I had to hit that low before I surrendered to my disease of alcoholism.

After admission into 7 impatient rehab facilities, 5 outpatient programs, 3 mental institution stays, jail and numerous trips to the hospital emergency rooms I could;t go any longer. I wasn’t crazy but my actions were.

I have read that an active alcoholic will go to any length to protect that lifestyle. I know I did. There was a demon inside me fighting for my way of life . I had wanted to get and stay sober for many years. In fact I used to fantasize what it would be like living sober. Yet after being released from my first rehab in 1991 I continued to drink destructively for 13 more years. A real living hell for me.

My rock bottom came as I lie there in a bed in an alcohol detox program. Counselors had initially exhausted their search for yet another impatient rehab program but I now know that it was Devine Intervention that found me a rehab to accept me. A sanctuary in North Texas that would set me free of the bonds of active alcoholism . A place that I will never forget, nor the people that played a role in my start of recovery.

I am giving a brief description of what my rock bottom was like. God made it possible for me to change and I believe anyone suffering can receive the same blessing as I did. I now know that God was always there for me even though I did not realize it at the time. I had to lose everything including my will to live to finally stop fighting.

My point here is that there are many different forms of rock bottom. Don’t give up no matter what you have or are going through in your life. Fight the demon until it is arrested. Your life probably depends on it. My wish it that active alcoholics get to their own rock bottom sooner that later so they may be saved from the horrible state of addiction. God bless those suffering, in recovery and those who have recovered from the disease.

Thanks for reading. My postings share my experience with alcoholism and hopefully some insight on recovery. Feel free to subscribe to this site and share your experiences , or comments, on how to get sober and stay sober today. If we do this together I believe we can change and save lives.