Tag Archives: alcoholic

Regret

May 29, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In my drinking years and as an alcoholic in early recovery , I was sometimes consumed with regret; being absent while my children were growing up, isolation from my family, not being able to hold down a job and just being an honest person. Now, those are just a few of the many regrets I had. At times that emotion had me riddled with shame and guilt sometimes to the point of being suicidal in my active drinking years. As an alcoholic in early recovery I would sometimes be bogged down with regret. Not to the point of being suicidal or wanting to drink but rather feeling a sense of failure .

For myself, the way I began to move forward was by working the Alcoholics anonymous 12 steps. I slowly began to feel that God had a plan for me including having the strong feelings of regret not being in the for front of my mind. In addition by making amends and having a lot of family and friends be receptive to that I was able to feel some relief. Not total relief but at least to the point that I could begin to move forward with my life. Many of my regrets will always be with me, at times more so that others, but I do know that God will help me deal with those feelings in a sober manner without the temptation to fall prey to drinking again. I know this because, over my last 14 years I feel I have developed a conscious contact with God and can speak with him about regret at any time. Family members and especially my wife, often help me work through the sometimes haunting feelings of regret.

The point I am making is that some feelings will carry on with me, even as a recovered alcoholic, as the years move on, As long as I keep God in my heart and soul I will be able to fight off the depressive feeling that regret can bring on for me. Lastly no matter what I am going through I feel God will avail me of any temptation to take a drink over it if I ask for it. May God bless you as he has me.

Please feel free to post your comments regarding regret and how you cope with that feeling. Thanks for reading this post.

Staying Sober Today

Our Health

May 14, 2017 hvymtl38 2 Comments

I feel that one’s personal health is very important as alcoholics and as alcoholics in early recovery as well as those who have years of sobriety. I know that in my 23 years of drinking I never went to see a doctor or dentist unless it was an emergency. Perhaps I was in denial that my health was poor, scared or just wanted to die an alcoholic death. Whatever the case, in my sobriety, I have been able and willing to see doctors and dentist for various reasons. I am addressing health issues as they arise. I turned 51 years old this year and I feel overwhelmed with health issues that keep popping up. Perhaps its just the fact that I am growing older or is a direct or indirect effect from drinking. I have heard it said that an alcoholic;s body, over an extended period of drinking , causes ones body to age beyond your actual years. I don’t know if that is true but, for myself, it sure feels like it. I am not complaining though. I know many alcoholics are suffering from very serious health conditions. I pray for them and feel grateful that my health issues can addressed.

I feel like you owe it to yourself to know what is going on with your body so you can make informed decisions on how to care for yourself. I am doing so that I can live as long a life as God’s Will allows. I want to see my family grow and share many more great times with them. I even want to get in a few more days of fishing.

Before I got sober it is safe to say that I was dying and these days I choose to live. My hopes are that you choose to live as well. I have found that while health issues arise, God will be there to lead you on a course of action. ,health

Thanks for reading this post and feel free to comments on any of your experiences as an alcoholic. God Bless You.

The Good and Bad

Good and Bad

April 20, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Not too long ago my wife spoke to me , in response to an accident I had, and stated “sometimes bad things happen to good people”.

Several weeks ago, while carelessly preparing some fishing equipment for an outing, I stabbed my forefinger with a hunting knife. The puncture was deep and in addition to the pain I instantly felt a numbness in my finger. Its been a while since the stitches were removed. The laceration has healed but the pain and numbness still persist. Enough so that I have not been able use my finger or hand effectively, much less play guitar or reel in a fishing line. Two activities I really enjoy now that was not the case in my drinking years.

Poor me, right? That is exactly why I am telling this story. Self-pity is a state that is easy for me to fall under. In my unhappiness over the situation I stated to my wife that “I must have done something wrong and God punished me for some act I must have committed.” My wife assured me that God was not punishing me and that, once again, bad things can happen to good people.

Now , back in my drinking days I would have really sulked and been very angry at God for my injury. I would have not said a kind words over the matter to him. However,theses days I do not have to drink over everyday occurrences, whether good or bad. That is choice I can now make because I am sober. I can also choose to not feel sorry for myself or angry at God. This is grave because I have heard it said that self-pity and anger, if dwelled upon, will certainly lead to drinking again. That is not a luxury I can afford, less I die.

I have come to terms that time may heal my wound and I can resume guitar playing or reeling in a fish not to mention the everyday use of my finger and hand. Patience or therapy may be action required but I can do it and I don’t have to take a drink over the outcome. I know God has a plan for me and as long as pray that “thy will be done, not mine” everything will turn out as it should.

I know hard times and accidents will occur in my life, that is just a fact. Two things though; I do not have to drink over them and God will provide for me.

May your prayers be answered and may the gift of sobriety, so graciously given to us by God, be held onto tightly as we go though life; both the good and the bad.

Please feel free to comment on this topic and how you deal with both the good and the bad occurrences in life. God Bless You!

Joy and Sorrow

March 18, 2017 hvymtl38 Leave a comment

Last night was an evening of joy and sorrow for me. I was at a popular restaurant having dinner with my wife when I saw a man joining a group of people at the table next to ours. He looked familiar but I could not place his face at first. As we waited for our food to arrive we could over hear them making introductions among themselves. When I heard his name I had an overwhelming feeling excitement and sadness. I looked over to my wife and told her who he was and let her know that when we finished dinner I would go over and say hello and introduce her to him.

We had attended college together some 29 years before and had not seen each other since. We had spoke briefly over the phone back in 2006.

You see I had met his brother at a substance abuse rehab in 2003. I didn’t recognize his brother as he spoke in one of our group sessions but afterward I asked if he had a brother with the same last name. He confirmed that he did and our friendship began. Have you known someone for just a short time and felt like you have known them all of your life?This was him and I cherished our time together there sharing our lives and stories of things we would do together later in life after rehab. As we parted ways after our stay at rehab I would see my friend two more times. One was at a celebration of sobriety among some we had attended rehab with and another time when I received a call of desperation from him because he had relapsed into active drug addiction again. I visited him and we spoke for hours but I was very new to sobriety and didn’t know quite how to help him other than letting him know how I was staying clean after a few months of sobriety. Anyway, I left that day not knowing what would happen. A few weeks later he called in desperation stating that he was returning to rehab but was afraid because he could not be admitted for several days. He indicated he had been drinking heavily and was afraid. I told him to stay put and drink if he had to in order to avoid dangerous withdrawals. I do not know if he was using drugs at this time. I was afraid for him as well. After that call I had lost contact with him except for our last call . He had relapsed again and was having a party to celebrate a particular event. He asked if I was still sober and I replied “yes” He said he was proud of me and indicated he would invite me to the party but understood I could not come because their would be too much temptation for me. I can’t remember exactly how long after it was but I could not reach him over the phone after numerous attempts. After some research I finally found a phone number for his brother, who was then man in the restaurant last night, and called him. I greeted him with a hello, after some 17 years later, and asked how is brother was doing, further explaining how I hadn’t had any luck reaching him for a while. His brother gave me news that I could not believe. My friend had succumbed to addiction and had died a few months back. My heart just sunk and my stomach turned sick. We spoke of what a good guy he was. I offered my condolences to him and his family and the call was over. I think of my him often and miss him very much. I miss my friend dearly. R.I.P.

Back to last night at the restaurant. As we paid our check, I told my wife I was going over to say hello and introduce her as well. I approached him, sporting my tattooed sleeves and legs, hair down to my middle back, and my gray beard down to my chest. Many things change over time. As I approached him at his table and announced his name he looked up, not recognizing me of course, and I told him my name. He appeared to be stunned for a moment. He rose up, shook my hand and gave me a suprising, yet welcomed hug. I introduced my wife and we spoke briefly of each other and of his brother. I told him I didn’t want to take up his dinner time and he then hugged me again as we said our good bye’s. His last words were ” I hope we see each other again one day”. I left with great joy of seeing him again and was wonderfully surprised with our reunion.

As we drove home the thought of his brother entered my mind. I became somber and didn’t hardly say a word to my wife on the trip home. The joy of the evening had left me. I said a prayer for the family and retired for the night.

The reason I felt compelled to share this with you is because I guess I feel a certain sense of closure, regarding my friend’s death, by meeting his family face to face. I had indicated last night to his brother that I thought of him often and missed him very much.

I feel this story is also one that shows the power that addiction had over ones life and how tragically fatal it can be. This is the only person I personally knew who lost their battle. I do know that there are many struggling addicts out there wanting help. I say that no matter how little sobriety we have, as was with my case, that we attempt to assist those suffering as if their life and our life depended on it. I know I wish I would have done more for my friend.

My wish and prayers are that those who have recovered or are in recovery help those suffering, I also wish for the hearts to heal from those family members and friends that have lost loved ones to the disease of alcoholism and addiction. May God Bless us and those suffering.

Be Willing

February 13, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

In my previous post “Passing Judgement,” I spoke of a person who is suffering from alcoholism, and unfortunately is spiraling downhill. A very vigorous effort was made to assist this person in choosing to get into a rehab facility.

Unfortunately this person was not ready for treatment. This just goes to reaffirm that not every alcoholic can be helped until then, no matter how hard an effort is made by those wanting help them.

Now in my previous post I spoke of my realization, with my wife’s necessary intervention, that I should go to any lengths an always be willing to try to help any suffering alcoholic wanting sobriety.

Well in this case, for the time being, the disease is ahead. In the future , when this person has hit their rock bottom and is truly honest about wanting to get clean, I will be willing to assist and hopefully the tables will change.

However it does not make it any easier to feel like I failed at helping this person. I have learned that not every alcoholic can be helped but perhaps I planted a seed in their mind. That is what happened in my recovery process. As bad as I wanted sobriety the disease was sabotaging all my efforts to get and stay sober. When I finally hit my rock bottom I was ready and I recalled all of the times people planted seeds in my mind, with regards to getting and staying clean.

I have also learned that trying to help an alcoholic, whether successful or not, there lies an undeniable truth that the process helped me stay sober another day. It also reminded me to playback in my mind how poorly I made decisions when I was at my farthest progression of the disease. I have learned that by playing back the experiences you had as an alcoholic during your final days should be a strong deterrent against wanting to live that way again. These days, after 13 years of sobriety, I rarely think about the good old days of drinking but if they crop up in my mind I am quick, with prayer, to play back the bad times in my life and tell myself, “I don’t have to live that way anymore”

So only time will tell if this person chooses recovery. My wish is that it happens and that I am there then, and available for countless others if they seek my help in finding a path to a life of sobriety.

Thanks for reading and feel free to make any comments. Feel free to join our group by clicking the link on the homepage . You will only receive an email when a new post or comment is made.

May God bless all those suffering and those in recovery.

Forgiveness and Gifts

The Beauty of Forgiveness

January 14, 2017 hvymtl38 1 Comment

A new year is underway and I believe it will provide many gifts as long as I stay sober. The greatest gift is that from God. I know that he will protect me from temptation to drink if I honestly seek it and commune with him on a daily basis. By God’s Will and his Grace I look forward to the beauty that may lie ahead.

I would like to share some of my greatest gifts that sobriety has offered. Over the last 13 years I have been able to make amends to many people I had harmed as a result of my reckless and irresponsible behaviors of the past. It is a wonderful feeling to have gained the trust of my family again. I try very hard to honor commitments and I fray away from lying or making excuses. What a horrible way that way was to live as I recall my past behaviors while drinking.

A beautiful gift is that my grandchildren have never had to see me take a drink. God willing they will never have to. I do hope that my children never have to experience that again as well. I recall my stomach turning and twisting every time I saw my father start drinking again when I was a child. He did his best to raise me even though he to suffered from the Disease of Alcoholism. This last sentence is good to remember and reminds me to talk to my children and really find out how they felt seeing me drink on a daily basis. I have made amends to them but I don’t think I ever really sat down and discussed their feelings about my drinking years. I will make this a point to do in person the next time I see them. So you see, there are many ways to look at gifts of sobriety and the chance to get to talk to them face to face is a blessing for me.

There have been many other beautiful gifts that sobriety has yielded, like a wonderful marriage to my beautiful, caring and understanding wife. I am no longer as selfish as I once was and see the future as an opportunity to try to impact and help as many lives ( both suffering alcoholics and others) as God allows.

The greatest gift is my relationship with God. I feel he has forgiven me for my past behaviors and loves me unconditionally. In previous posts I described how I used to be angry every morning because he didn’t take my life overnight because of my daily abusive behavior when I was actively drinking. I am very grateful that I don’t have to live that way anymore. He has given me good health and a new found desire to live a long life.

These are just a few of the greatest rewards I have received over the years of sobriety and they far surpass any material gifts. Material gifts are nice but do not compare to spiritual gifts that have come my way.

Thanks for reading. I invite you to share your wonderful gifts you have received and pass on this website to others who may need help getting sober or while in recovery. God Bless you all.

Courage and Strength

Holiday Joy

December 21, 2016 hvymtl38 1 Comment

Spending time with my family over the Christmas holiday is a very special time for me in sobriety. I live 1500 miles apart from my sons and grandchildren so seeing them is the highlight of my year. However, that was not always the case. For most of my drinking years I only lived less than 40 miles away. I would somehow, intoxicated no less, try to see them over Christmas, forgetting what the holiday really celebrated, and try to give them gifts that I could not afford in attempts to make up for all the lost times when I choose the bottle over picking them up for a weekend stay or just taken them down to the park. Over the years my only thoughts were how soon and frequent I could get alcohol down my throat rather than caring for my young children. I could only be described as nothing less than a deadbeat and very selfish person.

The last thirteen years of sobriety have been a work in progress in terms of rebuilding relationships with my children and family members. I have made sincere amends with those I wronged in the past and hopefully they have been accepted. These days I talk to my sons often even though we are still many miles away from each other. I have a good relationship with there mother. Incidentally she was the only person there for me when I was near death as a suicidal alcoholic even though our past relationship was very volitile and destructive because of me. I will not forget that. I know she was there for the sake of my sons and I am eternally grateful.

Why am I telling you all of this? I want those alcoholics that are suffering from the disease, those in early recovery and even those with a few years under their belt may see that you can make up, to some degree, the irresponsible, destructive behavior and mistakes of the past that may be plaguing you. I say make a sincere promise to get and stay sober so relationships can be mended. Let God lead you to a different and wonderful life filled with happiness and joy.

I have also shared this post with you for my own selfish reasons. It is very important that when I recall the past I must realize that I was sick however I am just one drink from becoming that person again. I must guard taking that drink with my life.

God willing I hope that I can spend many more years with my family. For those who celebrate Christmas, and for those who don’t, may God bless you over the holiday season.

Holiday Precautions

November 22, 2016 hvymtl38 1 Comment

The holiday seasons and their celebrations, for many, are approaching and I am really looking forward to them. It’s a time for me to share precious time with family members, especially those that I only get to see a few times a year. Sober life is going by fast for me and I don’t want to miss any of it. What a joy, however that was not always the case. During my active alcoholic years, the holidays used to be a time of anger and disappointment within myself that other people had cheerful and wonderful times and I didn’t. Of course it was of my own making. You see, I put the bottle in front of family and just about anything else. Thankfully, God and a lot of good people along the way pulled me away from that ill way of living and thinking and what a blessing it has been. My wish is that same has happened for you or that it will for you if you honestly want to get sober and allow God to come into your life. I say this because if I could have gotten sober by my own free will then that would have happened way back in 1991 when I made my first attempt to stop drinking. It did not work then and for the next 12 years it did not as well, as I tried hundreds of times on my own to do so, sometimes twice in one day only to get drunk all over again. All I can say then is that God allowed me to get sober because it had been proven that it was not of my own doing. I am just suggesting this because it worked for me.

I just had a few other things I wanted to share today. With lots of celebration there may be a lot of alcohol being served or consumed at various functions in your life. I suggest that you be very careful in protecting your sobriety. For me, if I must attend some of these events I like to try to bring a friend along to be there for me in case temptation to drink prevents itself. As it has been said before, there is a monster inside of me just waiting to come out and return to my active alcoholic days. May that never happen to any of us but it is just waiting for us to take that first drink. Secondly, I like to know what I am drinking at all times. Some of the tempting looking refreshments may contain alcohol. I suggest pouring your own non-alcoholic drink and holding on to the cup or glass. If you happen to set it down and forget which one is your then pour you a fresh drink in another cup. This may sound silly or wasteful to you but I do it to protect my sobriety at all cost. My experience at functions is that many times there will be numerous cups or glasses hanging around with drink remaining in them and you never know if you accidentally may mix your cup up with another and get a different drink, one that may contain alcohol. I may be redundant in posting these suggestions, as I have posted similar suggestions before, but I just feel it’s a good idea to revisit this at times, especially during times cheerful celebration.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful and that you do whatever it takes to stay sober. For those of you still ill from the disease of alcoholism my sincere wish is that you make seek God as a savior, not necessarily in the religious sense but more from a belief that some greater power than yourself , can help you achieve sobriety. I hope this post shows you what I do, as a recovered alcoholic, to protect my sobriety. May everyone be blessed and stay safe over this holiday season.

Thanks for reading and feel free to post any comments, you wish, that may help the still suffering alcoholic out there, find sobriety .