All posts by hvymtl38

Protecting Your Sobriety

At any Cost

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Yesterday proved to be one of my most difficult days I have had in sobriety for some time. When I began this journey of sobriety I agreed to do whatever it takes to stay sober. I mentioned in my book that one very important aspect of my recovery program involves seeing a M.D.  to keep my mental health strong.  Somehow I managed to misplace an already filled prescription and found myself running out of a medicine I have been taking daily since I became sober. I had missed a dose some time in the past and I remember feeling a bit out of sorts that day so I knew what effect not taking this med would have on my behavior.  Because of insurance guidelines I am not eligible for a refill for two more weeks and the medicine is far to  expensive for me to pay out-of-pocket.

I want to tell you now why I feel this is so important for me to discuss. Yesterday I spent all day with my wife doing some driving around looking for camping and fishing spots to visit soon. It had been my first day without taking my medicine. I was feeling groggy to say the least when the day started and things got only worse. The level of irritability I displayed was as bad or worse than it used to be when I was drinking.  I am embarrassed to admit that my wife told me at day’s end that in the six years we have known each other she has never seen me act so ugly. How dangerous a situation this could have become. As it turns out I will get my prescription and will diligently pray and give thanks to God that I was lucky enough to be with my wife during such a difficult day. It was at her expense that I may have been sparred a potential disaster in terms of the desire to drink. I was able to apologize to her for my negative thinking and behaviors yesterday and am grateful. Quite simply I am very lucky.  I will continue to protect my sobriety at all costs but will be careful not to take out any frustrations on my loved ones and friends because with regards to that person I was yesterday, it is only by the Grace of God that will prevent me from going there again. May God Bless your day.

Protecting Your Sobriety

Always Know What You Are Drinking

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I want to share in this post the importance I place on always being aware of what I am drinking.  This is especially true for me when in the presence where others are partaking in alcoholic drinks. Here are some of the precautions I take and some recent experiences. I often am having a diet Pepsi in a can. Sometimes I do set a half full soda  down for a while and forget where I placed it . Now if I am home alone I feel it is okay for me to finish my soda when I find where I placed it. Now if I am in the presence of others I don’t finish my drink. I learned very early in sobriety to never leave your open drink unattended and to always be aware of what you are being served if that is the case. This brings me to two recent experiences over this Fourth of July and its celebrations. I was at a baseball game and one of the neighbors who attended the game with us was having a beer in close proximity to me.  I looked at it only once and prayed to God for any temptation to  go away at once. I followed that prayer with my protected thought that ” I don’t have to live that way anymore”‘. Also during the game, my sister-in-law surprised me with a fountain soda. As I took the first drink out of the straw,  I immediately smelled the nasty aroma of old stale beer. For a moment I panicked, even though I know she would never ever serve me an alcoholic beverage. In any case I had my wife taste the drink for my safety. I suppose the cups and lids had been adjacent to the beer taps in the concession stands and perhaps  some beer spilled on the lids, just speculation, but still likely. Another reason why i should always be aware of what is being served in my cup. Lastly, in attending a family picnic on the fourth I was about to pour a drink out of an insulated cooler when I stopped for a moment. Earlier I had heard that one relative had brought her “special” tea.  As I was about to pour some in my cup it dawned on me that I didn’t know what as in her special tea. I guarded myself by asking my wife if it contained any alcohol and it did not. The point I am making is that it is important to always know what I am drinking whether I am serving  my self or being provided a drink that is not sealed before I open it. I just feel this is added protection for my sobriety. I hope this can be helpful for you. May God bless you and protect you from that first drink.

Hardships in Early Sobriety

Hardships in Early Sobriety

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If you are new to sobriety, congratulations. It will be a journey filled with wonderful life events.  However, when I became newly sober I had to face many problems that I created while drinking. Upon completing my final stay a rehab I came back to town to find I no longer had  my own home. I had a standoff with the police at  which time I caused a lot of destruction to my apartment and i was not allowed to return. Luckily, family took me in. I also found myself without a job. I had been placed on medical leave but that exhausted and I was let go. As you can imagine, I had no money as well. During this time in early sobriety  I was forced to sell my vehicle to survive financially since I had accrued large credit card debt. And lastly I had burned many bridges with people, that I hardly had anyone to turn to except some family that I am very grateful. for………..Why am I telling you all this? I just want you to know that difficult things happen while in sobriety and especially in early sobriety. The key message here is that one does not have to drink over the hardships. I feel that they can be overcome by anyone in time.  Stay strong an continue to stay sober because the good things to come will be far greater than early hardships. My wish for anyone newly sober is that they continue to have faith that God can and will protect you from taking that drink no matter what is going on in ones life.. May God  bless you on your journey.

New Ways Of Thinking

Changing My Way Of Thinking

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One of the first things,  among many , that I learned about staying sober was that i had to begin to change my way about thinking. For me this meant that I had to abandon the negativity that consumed my being.  For many years, while drinking, my thoughts about life were that filled with hate and selfishness. I hated my way of existing, I hated people  and I hated that God could let me live a life  I had.  Self pity also consumed my mind as I was always thinking  ” why me”.  In sobriety I have learned that I  had an illness that consumed my mind, body and spirit. It took some time but I began to see that, when drinking, I had not a choice in the way i was living because I was sick. I know realize that God had been there all along with me regardless of my feelings about him. You see, I believe he had great plans for me and it took taking a good look at my past lifestyle to see how I could be useful to others suffering from Alcoholism. As far as hating people I now know that we are all God’s children and hating another human being is to hate God. Now going on 13 years of sobriety I have caught myself occasionally slipping back into old thinking patterns of negativity. My wife even mentioned this to me. Thanks to her I have recognized my faults ans have been able to pray for God to remove that character defect, as they say. I certainly am not perfect but I know if I continue my path of prayer and believing in myself I will be fine. i suppose this will always be a work in progress. I pray that if you suffer from negativity or self-pity that you too can find a way to a wonderful new way at looking at life. May God Bless You!

Temptation

Another Defense Against Drinking

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In the past month or so I have had a wonderful and fulfilling addition to my daily prayer and communion with God. My wife has been joining me every morning ,before she gets ready for work,  in my daily readings as well as saying  my St. Francis de Sales prayer and Serenity Prayer. I am not sure if I mentioned this in an earlier post but i like to read a page out of three different alcohol recovery books. Two endorsed by AA and another written by a recovery center. In addition we read affirmations together. In reading with my wife has said she is gaining a better insight into the inner thoughts of my alcoholic mind as I attempt to discuss how the readings relate to my past and current behaviors . I am glad because if I ever were to head toward temptation she may be there for me as an initial interventionist advising me to call an alcoholic friend or get to an AA meeting quickly. Now my wife is not an alcoholic but is a Christian by faith and can relate to my strong faith and believer in God as my savior from the terrible disease of alcoholism. Our believe our time together each morning is strengthening our relationship as importantly as adding  additional arsenal to my existing recovery program. In my opinion it just goes to show how God is further working in my life daily to help me defend against drinking. Let’s stay sober together today. God bless you.

Temptation

Keeping Defenses Up

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Once again here in recent months I have found myself leaving my defenses down against my disease. In a previous post I indicated how I always say to myself, ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” whenever I am around or in the presence of alcohol. Well at a minor league baseball game the other day, with my wife, the presence of beer was being purchased and consumed all around me. The next morning I spoke with my wife about what I had experienced. You see I found myself observing the people and their drinks. I watched as some consumed several and others who just held their drink without hardly taking a swallow. Some complained about the $10 per cup cost as  I thought to myself, no big deal, because i would have probably spent a $100 on 10 cups without thinking twice.This was not good. The danger for me was that I spent a little too much time observing and for a brief moment I had what i believe was euphoric recall of the smell and the sensation alcohol had provided me in my early drinking years. I must have gotten distracted because luckily I don’t recall that only lasting for a second or two. The point that I want to make here is that no matter how long I have been sober.  I had better remember how  sick alcohol had made toward the end of my drinking days.  Foremost. I should have prayed that,  for any thoughts regarding alcohol be removed from my thinking. I have heard it said that when dangerous thoughts about the pleasure of drinking enter my mind I should always “rewind to my last days of drinking” to remember how ill and close to death I was. In addition , for myself, I should always remember to say ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” I must do this to protect my sobriety and my life. Now I will be attending another game in the near future ,with family, and I am going to remind myself prior to going of what I felt at the last game and how I need to put my defenses in place.  I hope that you are able to find what defenses work for you or perhaps use the ones I use.  May God bless you with sobriety each day.

God

Precious Time

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Last week I was reminded how precious life is and how I should continue to strive for living day-to-day instead of dwelling on the past or being preoccupied with the future. I was involved in a single car accident last week that I was very lucky to walk away from unharmed along with the other passengers in the vehicle. Hydro -planening off the highway in a heavy downpour found us leaving the roadway into a ditch and through a secondary guard rail  there for protection against going down and embankment toward the river. By the grace off God it stopped the vehicle feet away from going down  the slope  and undoubtedly causing great harm to us. The reason I mention this is because I was dealing with a lot of anxiety  for a couple of days after about what might have been. In a way the whole incident has been a blessing in terms of reminding me to live in the present and make the best of what comes my way. In doing so the anxiety of  is being lifted as I pass that accident site, which is on my daily drive home. I can know that this is all because of God and how grateful I should be and what a blessing each day of sobriety brings. My goal now is to reach out to my family, who live across country, on a daily basis in some fashion if only to say hello and let them know I am always thinking of them. In addition I need to practice saying ” I love you ” more often to all those whom i am blessed to share my life with these sober days. I believe in doing so I can continue to share precious memories if even by only telephone…..May God protect you and allow you to live day by day in sobriety so that you may be able to create precious memories as I am trying to do.

Temptation

Slippery Places

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In an  earlier blog,  “Temptation”, I mentioned the importance I try to place on avoiding slippery places: the places that involve alcohol in some manner. Well, I am very good about identifying those places and avoiding them but I  sometimes make mistakes which could be detrimental to my sobriety.  Just the other day , against my better judgement found myself in two situations I should have avoided. The first being a grocery store that I do not frequent that often. I was looking for soda and in this store it happened to be in the aisle with alcohol. Instead of just avoiding the aisle, like my gut told me,  I entered the area anyway. As minor as that may sound I must always remember that the protection against drinking should always be of most importance.

Now I want to share a very poor decision that I made just the other day. I went to a local  family restaurant to place a “to go” order for lunch.  As I approached the to go area I was soon greeted by a young woman who said she would take my order at the bar when I was ready. My first thought was to say I would like to place my order here at the counter but I did not. Instead I approached the bar and had a seat. My order was taken and she gave me  a soda to drink. Now  I didn’t have any thought about drinking, as  I watched the overhead TV. However the danger was in that this used to be the same chain variety restaurant and bar the I would frequent in my darkest days of drinking. I usually found myself opening the bar at 11 am and being drunk by noontime while holding back tears from despair over my life. As I stated in my book, ” I was an alcoholic on display on any given bar stool.” This could have been  devastating,  In addition I did not even pray to God for his protection nor did I remind my self that ” I don’t have to live that way anymore” , with regards to my drinking lifestyle, as I always do when alcohol is in my sight. You see, I was blinded by the power of my disease. I must not make this mistake ever again. Even though I did not pray at the bar I now God was with me.   God saved me that day but I must always remember to do my part of avoiding those “slippery places” at all  cost. If I don’t my sobriety could be in jeopardy. Thanks for reading my blog. May God bless you always.

Staying Sober Today

Monster Inside

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On October 31, 2003 I locked the monster inside me. I am referring to the disease of alcoholism. How ironic that it was Halloween day that is my sobriety date.  I have heard it said that the beast inside me is just waiting to be released. It is waiting for resentment , fear or hate, among other feelings, to eat at my soul to the point that I take a drink and let it out. For me that means going back to my old drinking patterns and way of thinking.  I know I would get drunk right away and be back where I left off in 2003; crying, paranoid, suicidal, begging God to let me die and unlikely that I could find my way back to sobriety. By the grace of God those feelings have never been so strong that I have been tempted to drink.  For me with my faith and devotion to  prayer i have been able to ask that negative feelings be removed from my thinking and to just  let things go. I have to do this to protect my life and the relationships that took a long time to rebuild.  May you find a way to lock the monster inside you and for those in recovery have the belief that God can help you keep your monster there.

Staying Sober Today

Resentment

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I have heard it said that resentment is the biggest reason that a person begins drinking again. I try very hard not to harbour resentment. At times it is not easy but if I hang onto to it with no resolve it eats at my being. The crazy part is that the person you have a resentment toward probably doesn’t even know they did anything to you or they may not care. Another form of resentment is when I direct it towards myself; resenting the past. I have to remind myself that I can’t change the past.The bottom line is that I have to avoid resentment at all cost. I do this by communing with God immediately with prayers that it goes away. Secondly, I have learned how to avoid resentment. I have realized I have no control over other persons actions. Here is what I often do in addition to prayer; I clench the resentment tightly in my hand and then with a wave of of my arm, I open my palm and “let it go”. It may sound ridiculous but I do it and it works. Remember I will do anything that keeps me from drinking again. My life depends on it.