All posts by hvymtl38

Forgiveness and Gifts

The Beauty of Forgiveness

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A new year is underway and I believe it will provide many gifts as long as I stay sober. The greatest gift is that from God. I know that he will protect me from temptation to drink if I honestly seek it and commune with him on a daily basis.  By God’s Will and his Grace I look forward to the beauty that may lie ahead.

I would like to share some of my greatest gifts that sobriety has offered. Over the last 13 years I have been able to make amends to many people I  had harmed as a result of my reckless and irresponsible behaviors of the past. It is a wonderful feeling to have gained the trust of my family again.  I try very hard to honor commitments and I fray away from lying or making excuses.  What a horrible way that way was to live as I recall my past behaviors while drinking.

A beautiful gift is that my grandchildren have never had to see me take a drink. God willing they will never have to. I do hope that my children never have to experience that again as well. I recall my stomach turning and twisting every time I saw my father start drinking again when I was a child. He did his best to raise me even though he to suffered from the Disease of Alcoholism. This last sentence is good to remember and reminds me to talk to my children and really find out how they felt seeing me drink on a daily basis. I have made amends to them but I don’t think I ever really sat down and discussed their feelings about my drinking years. I will make this a point to do in person the next time I see them. So you see, there are many ways to look at gifts of sobriety and the chance to get to talk to them face to face is a blessing for me.

There have been many other beautiful gifts that sobriety has yielded, like a wonderful marriage to my beautiful, caring and understanding wife. I am no longer as selfish as I once was  and see the future as an opportunity to try to impact and help as many lives ( both suffering alcoholics and others) as God allows.

The greatest gift is my relationship with God. I feel he has forgiven me for my past behaviors and loves me unconditionally. In previous posts I described how I used to be angry every morning because he didn’t take my life overnight because of my daily abusive behavior when I was actively drinking. I am very grateful that I don’t have to live that way anymore. He has given me good health and a new found desire to live a long life.

These are just a few of the greatest rewards I have received over the years of sobriety and they far surpass any material gifts. Material gifts are nice but do not compare to spiritual gifts that have come my way.

Thanks for reading. I invite you to share your wonderful gifts you have received and pass on this website to others who may need help getting sober or while in recovery. God Bless you all.

 

The Wasted Years - I don't have to live that way anymore

24 Hours at a Time

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A new year is about to begin and many resolutions will be made. As far as my sobriety goes I care to just look at it one day at a time. I feel with prayer and conscious contact during the day with God, and by his grace, I can stay sober  for the day. I have heard it said that since ones future is uncertain, it makes sense to commit to staying sober for a 24 hour period rather than overwhelming  oneself’s  with thoughts the future. This helps me to stay focused on the gift of sobriety as my number one daily resolution. I may make some resolutions or set goals for the new year but they will take a back seat in my effort to remain clean and sober. Over the last 13 years this approach has worked for me and other recovered alcoholics as I have heard. Please join me and countless others in making a daily resolution to stay sober. I feel it will be the best resolution of all.

To those still suffering from the disease of alcoholism and desperately want to get and stay sober, my wish is that you can find a resource, whether it be Rehabilitation, Alcoholics Anonymous, Clergy , Counseling or a combination of them or any avenue that can get you clean and on your way to a life of joy and happiness, free from the chains of alcoholism that bound you. I am confident you can do it and I pray for all those still suffering.

Thank You for reading and feel free to make and comments, that can help alcoholics trapped in the cycle of addiction, get free. God Bless and have a Happy New Year.

 

Courage and Strength

Holiday Joy

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Spending time with my family over the Christmas holiday is a very special time for me in sobriety. I live 1500 miles apart from my sons and grandchildren so seeing them is the highlight of my year. However, that was not always the case. For most of my drinking years I only lived less than 40 miles away.  I would somehow, intoxicated no less, try to see them over Christmas, forgetting what the holiday really celebrated, and try to give them gifts that I could not afford in attempts to make up for all the lost times when I choose the bottle over picking them up for a weekend stay or just taken them down to the park.  Over the years  my only thoughts were how soon and frequent I could get alcohol down my throat rather than caring for my young children. I could only be described as nothing less than a deadbeat and very selfish person.

The last thirteen years of sobriety have been a work in progress in terms of rebuilding relationships with my children and family members. I have made sincere amends with those I wronged in the past and hopefully they have been accepted. These days I talk to my sons often even though we are still many miles away from each other.  I have a good relationship with there mother. Incidentally she was the only person there for me when I was near death as a suicidal alcoholic even though our past relationship was very volitile and destructive because of me. I will not forget that. I know she was there for the sake of my sons and I am eternally grateful.

Why am I telling you all of this? I want those alcoholics that are suffering from the disease, those in early recovery and even those with a few years under their belt may see that you can make up, to some degree, the irresponsible, destructive  behavior and mistakes of the past that may be plaguing you. I say make a sincere promise to get and stay sober so relationships can be mended. Let God lead you to a different and wonderful life filled with happiness and joy.

I have also shared this post with you for my  own selfish reasons. It is very important that when I recall the past I must realize that I was sick however I am just one drink from becoming that person again. I must guard taking that drink with my life.

God willing I hope that I can spend many more years with my family. For those who celebrate Christmas, and for those who don’t,  may God bless you over the holiday season.

God

“But for the Grace of God, there I go”

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“But for the Grace of God, there I go”.  I recently encountered a  situation where I reminded myself of this passage. It was  on Thanksgiving day, celebrated here in the U.S.,  that I encountered what appeared to be an intoxicated man. I was in a convenient store buying my customary Diet Pepsi cola when a man lined up, at the cashier’s station, to my left side. He was a thin man dressed in soiled clothing with his head hanging low while he awaited his turn to pay.  He was purchasing  three beers at about 8 am.  After paying I returned to my truck and he shortly followed. He was driving a vehicle that did not appear to be in good order as it sit with the wheels over line of the marked parking place. As I stared over at him I remembered the passage above and how I must always remember it. It has been a number of years now but I remember vividly the times when I was purchasing  and consuming alcohol early in the morning  to quiet my nerves in order just to function. My head was always hung low and my vehicle was always on the brink of not working. I am grateful that God was with me at those times of great despair and destruction in my life. I must always remember that passage and realize that I am just one drink away from being that person I encountered that morning. I don’t know that mans story but if he is a suffering soul as was I,  may he allow  God to carry him to sobriety, if he so chooses. I will always try to remember that “But for the Grace of God, there I go”.  and that it applies to any situation or person I encounter from the desolate person to the well dressed ones suffering from the disease of Alcoholism.  God I pray for your help in getting those who wish for a better life and sobriety as well as the persons not ready or willing to accept your hand to somehow desire to change. I am grateful that you were there for me in my time of desperation even though I didn’t know it.  God bless all those suffering souls out there and my wish for them is to find sobriety and peace.

Thank you for allowing me to share my experience and feel free to comment and post your thoughts.

 

Holiday Precautions

Holiday Precautions

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The holiday seasons and their celebrations, for many, are approaching and I am really looking forward to them. It’s a time for me to share precious time with family members, especially those that I only get to see a few times a year. Sober life is going by fast for me and I don’t want to miss any of it.  What a joy, however that was not always the case.  During my active alcoholic years, the holidays  used to be a time of anger and disappointment within myself that other people had cheerful and wonderful times and I didn’t. Of course it was of my own making. You see, I put the bottle in front of family and just about anything else. Thankfully, God and a lot of good people along the way pulled me away from that ill way of living and thinking and what a blessing it has been. My wish is that same has happened for you or that it will for you if you honestly want to get sober and allow God to come into your life. I say this because if I could have gotten sober by my own free will then that would have happened way back in 1991 when I made my first attempt to stop drinking. It did not work then and for the next 12 years it did not as well, as I tried hundreds of times on my own to do so, sometimes twice in one day only to get drunk all over again. All I can say then is that God allowed me to get sober because it had been proven that it was not of my own doing. I am just suggesting this because it worked for me.

I just had a few other things I wanted to share today. With lots of celebration there may be a lot of alcohol being served or consumed at various  functions in your life. I suggest that you be very careful in protecting your sobriety. For me, if I must attend some of these events I like to try to bring a friend along to be there for me in case temptation to drink prevents itself. As it has been said before, there is a monster inside of me just waiting to come out and return to my active alcoholic days. May that never happen to any of us but it is just waiting for us to take that first drink. Secondly, I like to know what I am drinking at all times. Some of the tempting looking refreshments may contain alcohol. I suggest pouring your own non-alcoholic drink and holding on to the cup or glass. If you happen to set it down and forget which one is your then pour you a fresh drink in another cup. This may sound silly or wasteful to you but I do it to protect my sobriety at all cost. My experience at functions is that many times there will be numerous cups or glasses hanging around with drink remaining in them and you never know if you accidentally may mix your cup up with another and get a different drink, one that may contain alcohol. I may be redundant in posting these suggestions, as I have posted similar suggestions before, but I just feel it’s a good idea to revisit this at times, especially during times  cheerful celebration.

I hope these suggestions will be helpful and that you do whatever it takes to stay sober. For those of you still ill from the disease of alcoholism my sincere wish is that you make seek God as a savior, not necessarily in the religious sense but more from a belief that some greater power than yourself , can help you achieve sobriety. I hope this post shows you what I do, as a recovered alcoholic, to protect my sobriety. May everyone be blessed and stay safe over this holiday season.

Thanks for reading and feel free to post any comments, you wish, that may help the still suffering alcoholic out there, find sobriety .

 

Courage and Strength

Being Grateful

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Well, I made it to my 13th year of sobriety on Halloween Day of this year. There lives a monster inside me just waiting for me to return to my old life of active alcoholism.  I ask God on a daily basis to prevent it from ever being  be released . A dear friend also hit his 13th year earlier in October. I say this not to boast as a celebration but rather as hope that anyone can see that achieving sobriety is possible if they truly desire it. In most cases one must  hit their own rock bottom, whatever that may be, in order to want change. With faith in God anything is possible.  Now it will take a lot of work on one’s behalf to get and stay sober but it can be done. It has been proven over and over again by more than a million  persons who have achieved sobriety. There will be many challenges  early on and  perhaps having the urge to take a drink. We must always remember, at it has been said over and over again,  we are all just one drink away from a drunk. I reiterate that asking God to grant you another day of sobriety each morning is strong protection against taking that first drink and always being grateful for that opportunity is important. In previous blogs I have mentioned that I do so by engaging God through prayer and meditation ( for myself that consists of reading from alcohol recovery related books) each morning upon the start of the day. My prayer consists of asking for health, happiness and safety for my friends and family as well as thanking God for my sobriety with special emphasis on being grateful that I was given another chance at life. The gift of sobriety is one I have not right to give back to God. For me it  is my protection against temptation that day. For those in early sobriety I pray that you continue on your path of recovery and find what works for you on a daily basis to protect you over the next 24 hours. Promise yourself that you will do so and if necessary promise yourself that you can stay sober for any amount of time with prayer in between to make it from promise to promise . Do what ever it takes because you are worth it. For those seeking recovery right now I pray that you find God for the strength for begin the journey of sobriety. Be open to reviving spirituality in your life and I know good things will come to you in recovery. You are also worth it. May God bless everyone on their journey.

Thank you for letting me share my thoughts today. Feel free to comment about my blog. My hope is for it to become interactive. I simply want to share my experiences to help other alcoholics and if we all share together that gives the suffering alcoholic and those in recovery the ability to develop a strong arsenal against ever taking another drink. Feel free to comment on any of my previous blog post as well.

 

 

Courage and Strength

God, Give me Courage

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Well I made it to my annual rehab reunion. Unfortunately I underestimated the time to get there and I arrived an hour and a half late. missing the opportunity to hear some recovered alcoholics share their joys of sobriety, which I had so wanted to hear.  It had been 10 years since I last attended. The main purpose of going was to see my counselor who means so much to me. She showed me compassion and understanding at the lowest point of my life; my rock bottom. When I arrived my wife and nephew proceeded to the pavilion were the activities were occurring. I scoured the area looking for my counselor but didn’t spot her. My wife asked me if I saw anyone I recognized and I replied “unfortunately not”. As we wandered around we made our way to a registration table to sign in a get a very nice t-shirt exclaiming the event. I asked one of the staff members if my counselor was attending and she pointed me to a lady sitting not far away. I looked over and there she was.  Her hair had grown longer but her wonderful smile had not changed. We slowly made our way over to her and when we made contact our eyes lit up. We embraced each other tightly and an introduction was made for my wife. It was a very happy moment I will not forget. The musical band in the background was playing loudly so we didn’t get to talk much.

Now here is one of the main reasons I am posting this. She kindly asked me if I was going to  speak to the attendees, sharing my experience as an alcoholic, what happened, and the joys of sobriety. I had suggested, with a nod of my head, that I would speak.  I then looked at my wife and asked her if she wanted to have the  BBQ lunch being served. As I parted ways with my counselor I said I would catch up with her later. You see, For some reason I  became scared of having to speak in front of people. Weeks prior I had promised myself that I would speak, wanting  the opportunity, and was looking forward to it. Unfortunately when it came down to it I panicked. In the past at, at a prior employer, I had to speak in front of an audience of more than a hundred people on a weekly basis so this should have been no reason to feel as I did. Instead I used the excuse to have lunch first as I had done 10 years ago when she had asked me to speak. After lunch it is customary to have speakers share the experiences.  One person of sixteen years sobriety took the honor of doing so. As I listened I became upset that I had missed an opportunity to speak  earlier in the day when I was late. After the speaker was done the person guiding the activities indicated that the reunion  would wind down. Had I had the courage I could have asked my counselor if I could speak or I simply could have stood up and asked if I could share. A request as such would have been welcomed. But I did not. Upset and relieved at the same time I made my way to my counselor to say goodbye. We hugged and she  gave me praise for my book I had written and proudly announced to her fellow colleagues that I had written such.  On the way home I was so upset with myself for not volunteering to speak. I feel that I had a powerful message to share.  My wife told me that it was just not my time and that God would have me speak when I was ready.  As I beat myself up  in disappointment about the whole thing I realized that perhaps the reason I did not speak was because I had rehearsed what I wanted to say for a week before the reunion. It has been said that a person who speaks from the heart will reach more people that the person who delivers the well polished speech.

This is a long-winded post but the point is I should jump at any opportunity to reach out to the suffering alcoholic with no intent of delivering an executed speech but rather to just be myself and share my story as it occurred. The beauty  is that there is no right or wrong way of sharing. Going forward I will attend next years reunion and ask, in advance of the event, if I can share my story with the audience. I am going to pray to God for the strength and courage to do so. It is just further protection to maintain my sobriety and to try and help suffering alcoholics find there way.  May you always have strength and courage. God bless you.

My Reunion

My Reunion

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This is going to be a very exciting week for me. Saturday I will be attending an annual reunion, with my wife and hopefully my best friend, put on by the last inpatient rehab I was a patient at.  In early sobriety I attended it several years in a row but then stopped, sometimes using excuses like its a 3 hour drive  away or I have only seen one other person I recognize as staying recovered except for a dear friend of mine whom I stay in contact with. I am going to attend after not going for over 10 years. God has always asked if I would go to any lengths to stay sober and I have answered, “yes”, however as important as this reunion should be to me and my continued effort to stay sober I failed to participate. So going forward I am making a pledge to attend every year possible just to add another level of protection to my sobriety.

One the the things I look forward to doing is seeing and hugging the counselor I feel such a deep appreciation for. She was there at one of the lowest points in my life and through a genuine interest in my well being, and through compassion, she got through to me with regards that my life could get better if I find God again and follow a program of recovery.I have stayed in contact with her annually but to see her again will truly be special. I always give thanks to my saviors which are  God, Family, a Special Counselor and a lot of Good People along the way in making my recovery from alcoholism possible.  It took me five impatient rehabs, seven outpatient rehabs, three mental institution stays, numerous detox centers, emergency room visits and jail to finally get back to God and Her. After suffering for many years God and my other saviors performed a miracle and provide encouragement which i strongly belived saved my life for which I am forever grateful for.

In any case there will be others there to give thanks to at the reunion, good food and recovery speakers to listen to. In the past after the key speakers were finished any one else who felt compelled had the opportunity to speak about their recovery, time permitting. I believe that if I have the opportunity I will pray to God to give me the courage to speak and share my wonderful gifts of sobriety.

My wish is that God, Family and Good People along the way be there for you in  newly found sobriety and/or your continued recovery. God Bless.

Staying Focused

Regaining Focus

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I have really myself  losing focus, over the past month, on the importance of maintaining my most spiritual  practices; foremost daily prayer and meditation. For nearly 12 3/4 years of sobriety I can confidentially say that I hadn’t missed a day of prayer and meditation. As I have mentioned in previous posts, this is so important in my daily life of sobriety. I looked forward to it every morning by finding a quiet place in my home for deep prayer and reading. It was and will again continue to be my first action of the day. However, this past month I have been very neglectful in this area. I must admit to having missed more than at least five days of prayer over the past month. I have no excuses except to say I have placed other activities first in the beginning my day first.

The primary focus for writing my book, and starting a website with a blog on this site and another, was to reach out to suffering alcoholics to show that there is hope for a better life. Over the last month I have been preoccupied with seeing if I have followers on my sites as well as any comments. I have wondered if my book sales have reached out to suffering alcoholics and their families, or not. I am coming to the realization that I may never know. I feel reaching out to help is my calling and am going to continue my quest. I have to remember not to seek personal recognition for it is not I who am doing all the work. It is God.  I have been back on focus over the last week, with regards to daily prayer, so I do not lose focus on its importance in my life. I thank God for this awakening for it could have been a real endangerment to that which most importantly keeps me sober on a daily basis.  It has been said that ” God is doing for me what I could not do for myself”. I believe this and feel very blessed.

In addition, I will try blog more frequently as my hope  that this site and others will gain followers so that comments/discussions may help a suffering alcoholic seek sober way of life. May God continue to send blessings your way.

New Ways Of Thinking

Finances

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In my drinking years my finances were the last of my concerns. All I cared about was having a little money for a place to stay, some food and the rest for drinking. Living on credit cards and pawn shop loans to sustain my lifestyle was common with little thought of paying them back. Back then I had a message machine for my home telephone line and the messages would be filled with collection calls, which I ignored. Bankruptcy took care of a lot of credit but not all. I regret my past actions regarding my finances and irresponsibility but that was the way I survived. Why am I telling all of this? You see, in sobriety one of the gifts I received was the ability to realize debts are to be repaid. These days I pay my bills on time. What a relief. It took a while but in doing so I have been able to be approved to buy a home, car and have credit again. My credit score has improved from being very poor to good in the 700+ range. This all came from a new way of thinking. These days I am looking into retirement options so that I can live at least modestly for my remaining years. I say all of this because I believe by living in sobriety anyone with financial difficulties can turn their situation around for the better. It takes time: just hang in there and good things will come to you. May God bless you.