I have heard it said that resentment is the biggest reason that a person begins drinking again. I try very hard not to harbour resentment. At times it is not easy but if I hang onto to it with no resolve it eats at my being. The crazy part is that the person you have a resentment toward probably doesn’t even know they did anything to you or they may not care. Another form of resentment is when I direct it towards myself; resenting the past. I have to remind myself that I can’t change the past.The bottom line is that I have to avoid resentment at all cost. I do this by communing with God immediately with prayers that it goes away. Secondly, I have learned how to avoid resentment. I have realized I have no control over other persons actions. Here is what I often do in addition to prayer; I clench the resentment tightly in my hand and then with a wave of of my arm, I open my palm and “let it go”. It may sound ridiculous but I do it and it works. Remember I will do anything that keeps me from drinking again. My life depends on it.
Monthly Archives: March 2016
The Past
Even though I have not had a drink in over twelve years, my past wants to creep into my mind on occasions. When those thoughts creep up the guilt and shame of my past behavior, during my drinking years, can be very powerful. What I do to deal with them is to look up to God and pray that they be removed from my thinking. It works for me. I came to realize that I could not change that past but rather take responsibility for my actions and make amends where possible so I could move on.
Now you hear me speak a lot about God and how prayer is so important to me. I am not preaching, rather showing the importance of faith in my life. There are several reasons for this. For many years my belief was that I was being punished for my way of living. I used to look up every night and beg God to let me “die.” When I would wake in the morning, with a shameful mind and trembling body, I had nothing but anger growing in my mind because I had to live another dreadful day. Now once i became sober, and my mind began to heal, I was slowly regaining faith in God. I came to believe that God was with me all along regardless of my denial of his caring. After all I had tried to stop drinking on my own over a thousand times from 1991 to 2003. I could not do it on my own. I found out that it has nothing to do with ” willpower” otherwise I would have gotten sober years ago on my own. It was by regaining my faith and by the grace of God that I was given, many chances to live a better life. For that i am so grateful. My wish is that your heart can be filled with God’s love as well.
Life Does Go On
Sobriety has been a wonderful journey for me with many highlights. One of the most significant is having God back in my life. Without that it is unlikely that I would be sober today. Beautiful things have happened , like the birth of my three grandchildren and by the grace of God they have never had to see me take a drink. I have been able to make amends to many people, by working the 12 steps of AA, and it goes further than just. I not only said i was sorry but I also took ownership for my behavior and how it affected everyone. I believe many of my family members accepted my amends as we have a good relationships now. However there are some that did not. I understand and still wish those people well. For those who i have not had an opportunity to make an amend for various reasons like geographics or just harm or it may bring, I pray that I may one day make a direct amend or at least promise myself to not make the mistakes and exhibit behaviors of my past. In addition, after living as a single adult for 24 years, I met a wonderful woman and have been happily married for 5 years now.
Now as much good has occurred for me but there have been many hardships as life has gone on in sobriety. During this time i lost my father, grandmother and a dear friend. Newly released from Rehab in 2003 I found myself without my own home, I was forced to sell my car to cover daily expenses and the lost my job. The most important lesson I learned is that no matter what good or bad comes along in life , I did not have to take a drink over it. Now I know many more good and bad experiences lie ahead but with God close to my side, I pray everyday to be able to get by happy and trying times without having to drink.
Temptation
Unfortunately, for the active alcoholic and those recovered and in recovery, temptations exists all around us on a daily basis. There are the liquor stores with their fancy dressed bottles, the grocery stores with their large refrigerated alcohol aisles, the convenient stores with their neon beer signs and music and sporting venues serving alcohol, just to name a few. I can remember my trip home from the last rehab stay. The van transporting me home stopped at a store for sodas and snacks. As I walked in the first thing that caught my attention were the bright neon signs advertising beer. I was scared to death, but because i was with other alcoholics leaving rehab i was able to buy a soda and return to the van. In early recovery I found myself testing myself against drinking by walking down the beer isle at the grocery store. i was also foolish enough to enter a liquor store to buy a lotto ticket. Lastly, while in recovery I actually purchased beer for friends finding myself holding the six pack in my hand. Very slippery encounters that I should have avoided at all costs. I have learned over the years that such behavior has to be avoided at all costs. I do not go down the beer or wine isles at the store nor do i dare walk into a liquor store. Today I know that in any hour of temptation I can reach out to God in communion and ask him to remove those thoughts at once. My prayers go answered and I live sober for another day. These days, temptation rarely enters my thoughts. If they ever do I pray to God for them to be dispelled immediately and say to myself that ” I don’t have to live that way anymore.” May your mind be free of temptation. God Bless.